


twitter is onto something

by pomegranateboy



Series: Totally Just a Mentor [6]
Category: Captain Marvel (2019), Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Venom (Movie 2018)
Genre: Aromantic Clint Barton, Bisexual Natasha Romanov, Bisexual Peter Parker, Bisexual Steve Rogers, Crack, Deaf Clint Barton, Everyone Is Gay, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Gay Bucky Barnes, Gay Stephen Strange, Genderfluid Loki (Marvel), Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, I hate tagging, Identity Reveal, Irondad, Jewish Peter Parker, Juneteenth, LGBTQ Themes, Lesbian Wanda Maximoff, Loki isn't evil, Multi, Non binary thor, Pansexual Tony Stark, Police Brutality, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Secret Identity, Social Media, Suicide, Talked about, They all do tbh, Tony Stark has PTSD, Tony Stark is not white, Trans Pepper Potts, Trans Peter Parker, Trans Steve Rogers, Trans Tony Stark, Twitter, angry with modern politics, big gay for the big gorilla man, everyone is poly man, everyone loves tonys ass, flint water crisis, fuck ableism, fuck billionaires, he also hates la croix, he also have a tony stark tumblr blog, howard is a piece of shit, its a nice ass, its just mentioned, lesbian pepper potts, monster fuckers - Freeform, nat is a disaster bi, peter is so savage, peter parker knows all, please dont let this wall of tags scare you, shuri's collection of broken white boys, spiderson, steve rogers is angry, straight people dont exist obviously, suicide awareness, t'challa and m'baku are an underrated ship, t'challa is a big gay, the lot of them, theyre all disasters, tony and wade are pan pals, tony doesnt hate dp because im bored of that troupe, tony stark is peter parkers dad, tony's science children, we love healthy poly relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-09
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2019-06-24 06:54:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 77
Words: 22,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15625167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pomegranateboy/pseuds/pomegranateboy
Summary: some people think the avengers are just a bunch of gay, meme-loving fucks. they're right.





	1. totally not foreshadowing

**Author's Note:**

> any twitter handles are totally fictional and i'm really sorry of they're somehow reflected irl. this whole fic is a mess so don't take anything too seriously.

pan with a plan @hotnmessy  
y’all tony stark himself could tell me he’s not pan and i still wouldn’t believe him

is you blind @messynhot  
honestly that’s a big mood

Spooky @FunkItUp  
you guys are gross. he’s a playboy and has never once been with a guy. he’s straight.

pan with a plan @hotnmessy  
lmao i didn’t ask, but go off i guess

-

that is not correct @bcaccording  
so if about 1 of every 10 people is queer, who is it in the avengers??? there’s gotta be at least 2, realistically.

but still good @lessbien  
i’m hoping it’s black widow, i would love for her to choke me with her thighs

that is not correct @bcaccording  
i know i’m op, but that’s a mood. also according to norse mythology, gender and sexuality didn’t matter to asgardians, so thor??? what’s up???

bi babe @bibabe  
dude, what if cap was queer? the uproar would be amazing

but still good @lessbien  
cap’s childhood friend more than just a friend? highly likely in my book.

that is not correct @bcaccording  
plot twist: they’re all gay and the whole world is on an episode of punked

bi babe @bibabe  
titties: out  
third eye: open  
theory: accepted

-

eugene @ayybaby  
with how little we know about the avengers personally, any one of them could be trans

rainbow pants @knope4prez  
holy shit you’re right

eugene @ayybaby  
like, the public didn’t even know that tony stark existed until he was 15 and going to mit. ppl assumed it was because of some shameful thing, but what if he’s just trans???

rainbow pants @knope4prez  
dude you’re so right. holy shit.

eugene @ayybaby  
any super who’s name ends with man or woman is trans. sorry, i don’t make the rules.

-

Plant King @PlantKing  
i would personally like to thank the avengers for not being publically problematic. as far as we know, you guys are awesome.

mitochondria @powerhouse  
seriously, all they do is save the world and get shawarma. tony stark used to be kinda ehh, but then he stopped making weapons and become iron man.

bi babe @bibabe  
captain america is from the 40s and we have yet to see him do even one questionable thing.

that is not correct @bcaccording  
captain america still looks so good at nearly 100 because he’s not problematic. he’s like andy samberg.

but still good @lessbien  
holy shit i just realized that black widow is practically rosa diez. black widow is a bi icon confirmed.


	2. iced americano

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yes this is based on that old tumblr post

mel @coffeekid  
HOLY SHIT I CAN’T BREATH ASNVENDFLKNB

ice @icebaby  
WHAT IS IT

mel @coffeekid  
I’M IN THIS CAFE AND FUCKING CAPTAIN AMERICA JUST WALK IN AND ORDERED AN ICED AMERICANO

ice @icebaby  
NO FUCKING WAY DUDE DO YOU THINK THAT THE BARISTA WILL SAY ONE ICED AMERICANO FOR THE ICED AMERICANO

mel @coffeekid  
THEY FUCKING DID

ice @icebaby  
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

mel @coffeekid  
oh my god. Oh My God. OH MY GOD.

ice @icebaby  
??????????????????

mel @coffeekid  
CAPTAIN AMERICA JUST PUNCHED A DUDE

ice @icebaby  
WHAT THE FUCK WHY

mel @coffeekid  
THE DUDE WAS BEING SHITTY AND HOMOPHOBIC TO THIS NICE GAY COUPLE AND HE TRIED TO GET CAP TO AGREE WITH HIM

ice @icebaby  
NO WAY DUDE REALLY

mel @coffeekid  
YEAH AND HOW HE’S GOING ON A RANT ABOUT HOW TO WORLD SHOULD BE FREE FOR EVERYONE BY NOW, NOT JUST A SELECT FEW

ice @icebaby  
I STAN ONE AMERICAN MAN

mel @coffeekid  
“I DIDN’T DIE FOR THIS SORT OF BEHAVIOR TO STILL BE ALLOWED IN THE UNITED STATES.” THE CAFE IS CLAPPING THIS IS LIKE SOME FAKE TUMBLR POST

ice @icebaby  
DUDE I NEED THAT QUOTE ON A T-SHIRT


	3. *eyes emoji*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some fun information comes to light

shane @bombshell  
not to, like, spread the truth or anything, but pepper potts, ceo of stark industries, is totally a trans woman. nothing you can do about it.

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts  
You are indeed spreading the truth.

shane @bombshell  
are my eyes deceiving me??? am i dreaming??? did pepper potts, my queen, just come out to the world with a drunk tweet from 3 am???

spooker @ryann  
shane holy shit, this is the shit that you tell your grandkids. how are you so lucky???

shane @bombshell  
i can die happy.

spooker @ryann  
SHANE LOOK AT WHO LIKED YOUR TWEET

shane @bombshell  
WHAT THE FUCK TONY STARK LIKED MY TWEET NOW I WILL DIE HAPPY

-

eugene @ayybaby  
going back to my tweet from a while ago, i’m claiming spiderman as trans bc his name ends with man. sorry, those are the rules.

Chad @callerid  
y’all are nasty. those are real people. not everything in the world is fucking gay.

eugene @ayybaby  
lmao it was a joke, but if you wanna be that way then just block me, it doesn’t bother me.

pan with a plan @hotnmessy  
i think we like to think/pretend that all of these heroes are lgbtq+ bc it makes us feel more safe with them protecting us.

eugene @ayybaby  
yeah, i agree. even if they are all cis and straight, it makes us feel better if we have something to relate to. sorry if that bothers you, i guess.

Chad @callerid  
damn, now i feel bad.

-

eli @lapis  
dr. bruce banner, aka the hulk, an avenger, just released a study on gender and how sex and gender differ. read it. this man has 7 phds, he knows what he’s talking about.

fuck terfs @chipssahoy  
dude, i just read it. idk why i was expecting the worst, but this shit’s amazing. he talks about the history of non-binary genders, difference between identity and expression, and shit like that. highly recommended.

eli @lapis  
dude, his whole paper was so respectful. he probably worked really damn hard on it. it’s so beautifully written and if it doesn’t win any kind of award, i’m rioting.

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner  
Haha, thank you! My s/o is actually non-binary and almost none of my friends are cis, so this was a really important topic for me to cover. I appreciate your support!

eli @lapis  
oH My goD? of course, dr. banner! the fact that you even wrote about this topic means so much for the community! thank you for what you’ve done! i’m sure your s/o must be so proud!

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner  
Yeah, they really are. They want to hang up a physical copy in the living room and everything, it’s really cute.

-

adam @lazuli  
ELI YOU STRAIGHT UP JUST HAD A CONVERSATION WITH BRUCE BANNER HOW DO YOU FEEL

eli @lapis  
DUDE I’M ACTUALLY SOBBING IN MY ROOM RN

adam @lazuli  
HIS S/O IS GENDERFLUID!!! BRUCE BANNER ISN’T STRAIGHT!!! THIS IS SO AMAZING!!! WHO KNOWS WHAT OTHER THEORIES MIGHT BE TRUE

eli @lapis  
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

adam @lazuli  
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAFJANFGJNERGJW;

eli @lapis  
ALSO ALMOST NONE OF HIS FRIENDS ARE CIS??? MOST IF NOT ALL OF HIS FRIENDS ARE THE AVENGERS??? SO WHAT’S UP?????????


	4. tony stark is not straight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you guys really think tony stark is straight??? lmao

Plant King @PlantKing  
tfw spiderman compliments the trans pride pin on your bag after he saves you from getting mugged

rosa @deathpacito  
seriously???

Plant King @PlantKing  
100%, dude. it was so surreal.

rosa @deathpacito  
either the dude is the world's best ally, or he really is a trans icon

Plant King @PlantKing  
either way, I Stan

-

luna @starpower  
not to be controversial or anything, but captain america is totally bi

danny @dannyboy  
what makes you say that?

luna @starpower  
that rant that he went on in that cafe not too long ago was too passionate for just an ally

bi babe @bibabe  
we've seen him show interest in woman, remember peggy carter? but have you seen his childhood friend? Hot Damn.

jack @twunk  
oof, so true. bucky barnes was a heartthrob and I'm Gay

danny @dannyboy  
bruh, I think you guys sometimes forget that that dude's still alive

luna @starpower  
oh shit, I remember. wasn't he a brainwashed assassin for 70 years or some shit?

danny @dannyboy  
yeah, and now he just lives in avengers tower and hardly ever shows up in public

bi babe @bibabe  
at least for what we know he doesn't

jack @twunk  
oh shit, u right. anyway, the guy's a hottie and cap would have to Blind to not want a piece of that

-

pan with a plan @hotnmessy  
did tony stark just casually mention that he's not straight???

is you blind @messynhot  
holy fuck I think he did

pan with a plan @hotnmessy  
“i know i don't have any sex tapes or anything, but you guys really think i’m straight?”

is you blind @messynhot  
bro I think I'm dying

pan with a plan @hotnmessy  
“does everyone think i’m straight? what am i doing to make you think that. tell me so i can stop doing it.”

is you blind @messynhot  
BITCH THAT'S A MOOD

pan with a plan @hotnmessy  
“you guys do know that all of that playboy stuff wasn’t real, right? I can probably count the number of people I’ve slept with on one hand.”

is you blind @messynhot  
holy shit seriously???

pan with a plan @hotnmessy  
“I’m a flirt, that’s all. I’m in a committed relationship for damn sake.”

is you blind @messynhot  
WITH WHO???

pan with a plan @hotnmessy  
IDK HE JUST LEFT THE STAGE

is you blind @messynhot  
TONY STARK PLEASE THE GAYS ARE ON THE EDGE OF THEIR SEATS


	5. spider-man does what he wants

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spider-man, spider-man, does whatever he wants

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
mr. stark told me to stick it to ‘the man’ today as if he also isn’t ‘the man’

eugene @ayybaby  
damn these parody accounts are getting good

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
uhhh yeah this is a parody account

You Know Who I Am @TStark  
kid, what did I tell you about making a spider-man twitter?

eugene @ayybaby  
what the fuck

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
not to?

You Know Who I Am @TStark  
and what did you do?

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
i made a spider-man twitter?

You Know Who I Am @TStark  
do you see the problem here?

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
i don’t know mr. stark, suddenly i can’t read

Plant King @PlantKing  
ALWIRHASJHYRISD WHAT THE FUCK

You Know Who I Am @TStark  
kid i swear to god…

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
wow, mr. stark. this is transphobia.

eli @lapis  
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

You Know Who I Am @TStark  
me, an adult trans, is being transphobic to you, a baby trans. sure, jan.

eugene @ayybaby  
I think I’m dreaming holy shit this can’t be real

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
okay then this is biphobia

Plant King @PlantKing  
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

You Know Who I Am @TStark  
and you not listening to me is panphobia. square up, son.

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
bucky made cookies, i’ll let you have some if you let me keep the twitter.

You Know Who I Am @TStark  
fuck. okay kid, you win. keep the account, those cookies are too good to resist.

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
hell yeah B) thanks dad

-

eugene @ayybaby  
am I dreaming? was that a dream? this is too surreal to not be a dream

eli @lapis  
i can assure you that was real

adam @lazuli  
fuck.

shane @bombshell  
recap: tony stark and spiderman and both trans, tony stark is pan and spiderman is bi, they have a father/son relationship, and bucky barnes makes damn good cookies.

spooker @ryann  
and tony stark quotes memes

adam @lazuli  
F U C K .


	6. steve rogers has Opinions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> steve rogers has very strong opinions about a lot and gets called a twink

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
Tony’s been trying to make me get Twitter for a while and the only reason that I actually made one is because I had La Croix for the first time today.

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
LA CROIX TASTES LIKE SHIT HOW DO PEOPLE DRINK IT I’M FROM THE 40S AND I THINK IT’S TASTELESS

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
People who like La Croix are godless heathens with no taste buds, end of story.

lance @blueboii  
holy fuck i cant believe captain america has a la croix hate twitter

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
No, you don’t understand. La Croix is like angry water that’s been flavored by vaguely fruity piss.

You Know Who I Am @TStark  
well shit, steve. this is not what I thought you would do when you got twitter.

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
You don’t get it, Tony. In the 40s, we used to boil literally everything. It had no flavor. This is worse than boiled food.

You Know Who I Am @TStark  
damn. I’ll make sure not to buy anymore then.

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
Good.

-

bi babe @bibabe  
hey, @Cap.America what do you think about our current political climate?

You Know Who I Am @TStark  
oh no, you shouldn’t have asked that

bi babe @bibabe  
??? why

You Know Who I Am @TStark  
you can’t see him, but he is Furiously typing on his phone, I feel a rant coming…

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
FUCK TRUMP THE GOVERNMENT IS TRASH

bi babe @bibabe  
h o l y s h i t

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
WHILE I’M AT IT FUCK THE PATRIARCHY AND ZERO ACTION POLITICIANS

luna @starpower  
god is real and we have been Blessed on this day

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
FUCK TRANSPHOBIA, HOMOPHOBIA, BIPHOBIA, ALL OF THOSE

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
YOU’RE NOT SCARED OF SHIT YOU’RE JUST A COWARD AND AN ASSHOLE SO STOP DRAGGING ME INTO YOUR SHIT BECAUSE I’M FROM THE 40S WHERE THAT SHIT WAS LITERALLY ILLEGAL

You Know Who I Am @TStark  
you guys should have seen him when we taught him about feminism, BLM, the civil rights movements, etc

You Know Who I Am @TStark  
he was the epitome of the ‘you’re doing amazing sweetie’ meme

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
Also??? Just wanted to mention that historians and the government are shit and they literally erased everything about me and my past that they didn’t agree with from history.

luna @starpower  
what do you mean?

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
@jbbarnes Help me out here pal, I don’t know how to explain.

james @jbbarnes  
what do you want me to say? that you were a little angry bisexual twink who got one of the first top surgerys performed in the us? that i had to pull you out of fights with homophobes more times than i can count?

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
Did you just call me a twink???

james @jbbarnes  
bitch you were 5’4 and the biggest bottom ever??? now you’re 6’2 and still a huge bottom

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
BUCKY

james @jbbarnes  
TELL ME I’M WRONG

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
STILL YOU SHOULDN’T SAY IT

bi babe @bibabe  
wow who knew captain america was a bottom

luna @starpower  
also bi and trans??? what the fuck???


	7. friday play despacito

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> god is a woman and friday is petty

mermaid @oceanography  
yo @actuallyspiderman i was just at avengers tower for a tour and god is a woman just started playing randomly on literally every floor??? what the fuck is up with that???

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
why do you think i know?

mermaid @oceanography  
i mean you’re stark’s kid right? do you not know?

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
STARK’S KID ASKJLJEKLW i mean i do actually know ofc

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
mr. stark programmed friday, his ai, to play god is a woman every time natasha or wanda beats someone when they spar. so it plays literally every time they spar

eugene @ayybaby  
holy shit that’s too good

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
friday also plays despacito whenever someone burns their food, blows something up, or whenever something bad happens in general

mermaid @oceanography  
but the avengers are out on business today???

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
ohh yeah it also plays when pepper walks out on a business meeting after some old white guy says something sexist. which is Often.

-

irondad @TStark  
@actuallyspiderman kid what the hell did you do to my twitter

spiderson @actuallyspiderman  
???

spiderson @actuallyspiderman  
woah what the hell i didn’t do that

irondad @TStark  
yeah? then who did?

spiderson @actuallyspiderman  
i have no clue mr. stark!!!

spidermom @blackwidow  
rip you guys

spidermom @blackwidow  
what the shit

irondad @TStark  
damn whoever did this has guts for going after natashalie

spidermom @blackwidow  
i’m going to kill whoever did this

captain dad @Cap.America  
Let’s not get violent here.

captain dad @Cap.America  
fuck they got me too

spiderson @actuallyspiderman  
MAN DOWN

cyborg dad @jbbarnes  
it’s what he deserves

cyborg dad @jbbarnes  
WHAT THE FUCK I’M NOT A CYBORG

spiderson @actuallyspiderman  
i mean technically…

cyborg dad @jbbarnes  
don’t even go there punk

bird uncle #2 @samwilson  
the kid has a point

bird uncle #2 @samwilson  
wait why am I number two? who’s number one?

spidermom @blackwidow  
@hawkeye clint get over here

bird uncle #1 @hawkeye  
what do you want nat

bird uncle #1 @hawkeye  
holy shit this is gold who is doing this

grandpa eyepatch @NicholasFury  
I would also like to know who is doing this.

irondad @TStark  
SHIT THEY GOT FURY WHOEVER IS DOING THIS FINNA DIE

science uncle @BruceBanner  
Um, they got me too.

spiderson @actuallyspiderman  
ohhhh no oh no oh no i know what’s happening

spiderson @actuallyspiderman  
okay i just need to let you guys know that this is Not My Fault

irondad @TStark  
what did you do

spiderson @actuallyspiderman  
I JUST SAID IT WASN’T MY FAULT

captain dad @Cap.America  
Okay just explain then.

spiderson @actuallyspiderman  
this is friday getting her revenge on me by embarrassing me

spiderson @actuallyspiderman  
i may have said that i prefered karen over her and now she’s changed your usernames into those

irondad @TStark  
okay but what are they?

spiderson @actuallyspiderman  
...they’re your contact names in my phone

irondad @TStark  
f u c k

spiderson @actuallyspiderman  
mr. stark are you crying???

irondad @TStark  
NO WHY WOULD I BE CRYING NATASHA IS THE ONE CRYING I CAN SEE HER ON THE CAMERAS

spidermom @blackwidow  
you’re dead stark

irondad @TStark  
F U C K

spidermom @blackwidow  
WELL STEVE AND BUCKY ARE CRYING TOO

captain dad @Cap.America  
NO WE’RE NOT FUCK YOU

auntie agent @MariaHill  
I can confirm that Nick is crying too.

auntie agent @MariaHill  
a u n t i e a g e n t

spiderson @actuallyspiderman  
WELL IT WAS NICE KNOWING YOU ALL I’M JUST GOING TO GO DIE NOW

spiderson @actuallyspiderman  
MR STARK I SUDDENLY WON’T BE MAKING IT TO THE COMPOUND TODAY SOMETHING VERY URGENT AND IMPORTANT CAME UP VERY SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE SIR

irondad @TStark  
NICE TRY KID BUT I’M ALREADY ON MY WAY TO PICK YOU UP

spiderson @actuallyspiderman  
well twitter, it was nice knowing you. this will probably be my last tweet bc i’m about to die of embarrassment

-

eli @lapis  
that??? was the most pure thing??? I have ever seen???

rosa @deathpacito  
the black widow? crying over being called spidermom? it’s more likely than you think.

luna @starpower  
did you guys see pepper potts’ name?

eli @lapis  
no??? what was it?

luna @starpower  
queen business mom

rosa @deathpacito  
oh shit that’s perfect

luna @starpower  
scarlet witch was witchy sister too

adam @lazuli  
this is the most pure shit ive seen in a long time bless spider-man for this


	8. shortest chapter in the world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this was just a small thing but i'm adding another chapter in a minute

that is not correct @bcaccording  
okay i know i tweeted that literally everyone on the avengers was gay but i Really didn’t expect that to be true

that is not correct @bcaccording  
but here we are???

but still good @lessbien  
i literally cannot process all of this bc those jokes that the avengers are just like a family and that they’re all secretly meme loving fucks were just that. jokes.

but still good @lessbien  
BUT HERE WE ARE

bi babe @bibabe  
i’m still waiting for the camera to come out and for someone to announce that we’ve been punked bc damn


	9. live-tweeting murder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spidey spills the tea and kills everyone

lance @blueboii  
@actuallyspiderman yo spidey do you think that you could tell us some embarrassing shit about the other avengers

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
no!!! i could never betray their trust like that!!!

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
never fucking mind did you know that tony stark cries when he gets his haircut

lance @blueboii  
well that was a quick turn around

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
yeah well i just found out that they all ate my damn pizza so this is what they get.

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
hawkeye once got stuck in the vents at the tower for 2 hours before anyone could come save him and he cried

clint @hawkeye  
what the shit kid

clint @hawkeye  
oh fuck you found out about the pizza, nobody is safe

rosa @deathpacito  
nobody???

clint @hawkeye  
not even natasha

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
speaking of natasha, did you know that she once tripped while holding four cups of coffee because she saw pepper in one of her new dresses

Plant King @PlantKing  
take no survivors spidey

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
how about the good doctor banner? old brucie once dropped a 25 pound dumbell on his foot because he saw thor flex in one of their tank-tops

lance @blueboii  
what about captain america???

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
well once when steve was drunk on asgardian mead he went on a one hour and 57 minute long rant about tony’s ass. he cried three separate times during that rant.

Plant King @PlantKing  
okay but have you seen his ass??? Hot Damn.

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
james secretly really likes rock music but won’t tell tony because he doesn’t want to give tony the satisfaction. he’s also gone on many rants about tony’s ass.

james @jbbarnes  
i have never known true fear until today

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
vision is scared of junebugs and will literally shut himself down if he sees one. he does the windows shutdown noise every time even though he isn’t programmed to.

falcon @samwilson  
damn even vision isn’t safe

falcon @samwilson  
shit i shouldn’t have said anything

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
sam wilson didn’t pass high school geometry and has kept that a secret from his mother even to this day

bi babe @bibabe  
the others are staying away bc they don’t want to get Dragged SPILL THE TEA SPIDEY

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
wanda is so bad at losing things that she has special trackers on literally every item she owns even if it doesn’t ever leave her room

lance @blueboii  
what about thor???

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
thor pretends to be really dumb so they can get other people to do shit. they’ve convinced the entire tower that they can’t operate kitchen appliances and can’t cook to get out of making their own food.

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner  
I KNEW THEY WERE LYING

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner  
Also, this is all valid and I deeply apologize for touching your pizza even though it was very good.

irondad @TStark  
are you done kid? is that everyone? i’ve already bought you 3 replacement pizzas

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
Nick Fury.

irondad @TStark  
h o l y s h i t

clint @hawkeye  
this is going to be violent

black widow @blackwidow  
god rest his soul

lance @blueboii  
spidey or fury???

Maria Hill @MariaHill  
Fury. He’s already accepted his fate.

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
Nick Fury does watercolor painting in his free time. He also goes to a hula hooping class and is actually exceptional. His favorite color is baby pink and he has a disney movie collection.

Nicholas Fury @NicholasFury  
HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW THESE THINGS NOBODY KNOWS THAT

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
don’t touch my damn pizza.

eugene @ayybaby  
spider-man just live tweeted himself massacring the avengers rip to everyone involved


	10. banana's are Wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> banana's are Wrong and captain america knows what hentai is

james @jbbarnes  
bananas? a lie. they’re a scam. i don’t trust bananas anymore.

eli @lapis  
what’s wrong with bananas???

james @jbbarnes  
they’re Different they’re Wrong

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
YOU NOTICED TOO

james @jbbarnes  
YEAH SAM TRIED TO GIVE ME A BANANA THIS MORNING AND I PUNCHED HIM WHEN I ATE IT BC I THOUGHT HE WAS PRANKING ME

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
They taste so wrong and it’s frustrating. It took me so long to get used to.

clint @hawkeye  
what the hell are you two talking about???

irondad @TStark  
i have heard this rant too many times. the bananas we know are not what they used to be and apparently the ones we have are basically tasteless mush. steve cried the first time he had a banana out of the ice.

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
I DIDN’T CRY! I was just frustrated.

irondad @TStark  
steve, you cried.

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
Maybe so.

bi babe @bibabe  
DID CAPTAIN AMERICA JUST QUOTE A MEME

mel @coffeekid  
maybeso.gif

-

irondad @TStark  
james just asked my to explain what hentai is and i don’t know if i have the mental willpower to do that

socks @cottoncandybun  
how the hell does he know what hentai is in the first place

irondad @TStark  
he says that steve mentioned it but that raises far more questions than answers

mossy @beartime  
HOW DOES CAPTAIN AMERICA KNOW WHAT HENTAI IS

irondad @TStark  
I DON’T KNOW

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
CLINT TOLD ME ABOUT IT OKAY

irondad @TStark  
@hawkeye WHAT THE FUCK MAN

clint @hawkeye  
SHIT YOU WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO FIND OUT

irondad @TStark  
YOU’RE CORRUPTING HISTORY ITSELF HERE MAN NOW YOU’RE THE ONE WHO HAS TO EXPLAIN IT TO JAMES

james @jbbarnes  
don’t bother,,, i know what it is now

irondad @TStark  
i hope you’re happy clint now you’re never going to get any of his baked goods ever again

clint @hawkeye  
SHIT NO THIS IS THE WORST TIMELINE

irondad @TStark  
YEAH WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT THAT BEFORE YOU TOLD CAPTAIN AMERICA WHAT HENTAI IS

clint @hawkeye  
please... i have children to feed

irondad @TStark  
your dog doesn’t count and kate can eat all the baked goods she wants

clint @hawkeye  
why are you making these calls??? barnes is the only one who’s allowed to do that

irondad @TStark  
he is, he came to me for comfort cuddles after he found some particularly bad hentai, which i will reiterate is your fault

clint @hawkeye  
god truly has abandoned us


	11. farmers market

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bucky stress bakes and nat goes to the farmers market

stitches @cinnamonapple  
i ran into black widow at the farmers market today and she was the most beautiful and intimidating person i’ve ever met in my life

killer @bigmeem  
what was she doing at the farmers market???

stitches @cinnamonapple  
she was buying fresh fruit, i have no clue why

nat @blackwidow  
bucky is stressed and making pies and he asked me to go get him some fruit for whatever pies i wanted

apple soda @bookboyy  
why is he stressed?

nat @blackwidow  
i don’t know if that’s confidential information or not, so don’t worry about it

nat @blackwidow  
i can share but not specifics, so it’s because one of the members of our team is missing

killer @bigmeem  
??? what the fuck ???

nat @blackwidow  
he goes missing and gets kidnapped all of the time so it’s not a big deal, bucky just gets stressed every time

apple soda @bookboyy  
i think we all forget how dangerous your lives really are and how stressful it probably is

nat @blackwidow  
he’ll come back with a couple of bruised ribs and some cuts but he’ll be fine, we all have to be for what we do

stitches @cinnamonapple  
...damn

nat @blackwidow  
fuck you clint bucky is my new favourite

clint @hawkeye  
what did i do this time???

nat @blackwidow  
nothing, but bucky made me zefir and you didn’t, so you’ve been knocked from the list

clint @hawkeye  
THE WAY YOU LIKE IT IS HARD AS SHIT TO MAKE AND I ALREADY SUCK AT ANY COOKING OR BAKING

nat @blackwidow  
you know how i like my zefir?

clint @hawkeye  
of course i do, what kind of best friend would i be if i didn’t know how you like your weird russian dessert

nat @blackwidow  
sorry bucky but you back off the list

james @jbbarnes  
cool fine but if you don’t get me those ingredients within the next few minutes i’m going to stab someone most likely sam

falcon @samwilson  
please don’t i’m still healing from my last stab wound


	12. hewwo??? loki???

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> loki exists and is not evil (sorry for the short chapter)

L @snakeperson  
shapeshifting is great when you’re genderfluid

fuck terfs @chipssahoy  
god can you imagine that sounds amazing

L @snakeperson  
yeah i can

Thor @godofthunder  
Loki when did you get a twitter?

L @snakeperson  
oh shit thor how did you find this

Thor @godofthunder  
Because you literally just admitted to being a shapeshifter and also @snakeperson? Of course that’s you

shane @bombshell  
Loki like the one who took over new york a while back???

Thor @godofthunder  
Kinda? That’s a long story…

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner  
Yes but Loki was brainwashed at the time so it was actually someone else.

Thor @godofthunder  
Yes! Exactly that!

L @snakeperson  
shut up i have a reputation

spooker @ryann  
of being evil when you’re really not???

L @snakeperson  
yes exactly


	13. update

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> whoops sorry just a boring update

I know I don't really have a coherent updating schedule, but I'm going back to school tomorrow so while I'll still by updating, they might be further between. school is stressful and I'm not even back yet. but! there will be an update tomorrow morning before I leave for school.


	14. fridays betrayal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> friday betrays tony and is very petty

irondad @TStark  
hey friday text the kid and tell him that i said good job on his chemistry test and that we can have ice cream when he gets here, thanks fri

irondad @TStark  
he was really worried about that test you know, but he shouldn’t be. that kid is smarter than i am even if he doesn’t realize it yet

irondad @TStark  
i know we joke about him being my kid, but it really does feel like he is sometimes

irondad @TStark  
after everything he’s been through i don’t want him to feel like i’m replacing the people he’s lost, and after my own father i’m sure i’d be a shit one

irondad @TStark  
why the hell is my twitter blowing up?

irondad @TStark  
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU’VE BEEN TWEETING THIS I TOLD YOU TO TEXT MY KID NOT TWEET OUR CONVERSATION

irondad @TStark  
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DESERVE IT WHAT DID I DO

irondad @TStark  
THIS IS BECAUSE I DIDN’T DRINK THE SMOOTHIE DUM-E MADE??? IT HAD ANTIFREEZE IN IT

ice @icebaby  
what the hell is going on

mel @coffeekid  
i think tony stark’s ai just tweeted their conversation because he didn’t drink a smoothie another one of his ai’s made

shane @bombshell  
do you think the kid is spider-man???

mel @coffeekid  
most likely, seeing as tony still hasn’t changed his user back from irondad

ice @icebaby  
which i think is the cutest thing in the world btw

irondad @TStark  
sorry about that everybody, my ai thought it would be funny if she tweeted our conversation, jokes on her though, i’m going to send her to work at an airport now

FRIDAY @FRIDAY  
Oh no boss, you wouldn't. The horror.

irondad @TStark  
when the fuck did you make yourself a twitter??? how the fuck did you make yourself a twitter???

FRIDAY @FRIDAY  
I didn’t make it, Spider-Man made it for me.

irondad @TStark  
that punk… ice cream day is off

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
NO MR. STARK PLEASE

irondad @TStark  
that’s what you get, live with the consequences

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
actually i want to address the bullshit claim that you wouldn’t make a good father

irondad @TStark  
i don’t know what you’re talking about

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
yes you do and you know that it’s bullshit. you’re the closest thing i have to a dad and i don’t feel like you’re replacing anyone, mr. stark

irondad @TStark  
sorry i’m jared, 19

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
i’m so proud of you for that, but honestly i need you to know that i think of you as a dad too. i mean i even call you mr. dad to my friends

irondad @TStark  
ice cream day is suddenly back on and i need you to get over here Now you are the only person i feel comfortable crying around

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
on my way mr. dad :)

-

spooker @ryann  
did spider-man and iron man just have a heart to heart over tweet???

shane @bombshell  
i think they did

bi babe @bibabe  
also MR. DAD WHAT THE FUCK I’M SOBBING

eugene @ayybaby  
THAT’S SO VALID TBH


	15. loki is Valid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> thor talks about asgard and loki is valid

leslie @varsitea  
Hey @godofthunder what are your pronouns?

Thor @godofthunder  
Thank you for the question! On Asgard gender and sexuality are not as binary as the society on Midgard views it.

Thor @godofthunder  
But my friends use he/they pronouns when referring to me.

leslie @varsitea  
what do you mean gender and sexuality is less binary?

Thor @godofthunder  
Well many people on Midgard believe that there are only two genders or that one can only love those of another gender.

Thor @godofthunder  
On Asgard we believe that gender and sexuality is fluid and that we can be whoever we want and love whoever we want!

xi @peachmilk  
alright everyone it's time to move to asgard get back up this is a gays only event

L @snakeperson  
no cishet’s allowed in my home

anthony @antthonyy  
wow I can't believe that I now stan Loki god/goddess of mischief

leslie @varsitea  
Loki Is Valid


	16. go off karen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> karen has a twitter and calls peter out

KAREN @KAREN  
Hello, Spider-Man is the best superhero. Thank you for your time, any other opinion is invalid.

alpine @suavegal  
yes karen go off

FRIDAY @FRIDAY  
I'm sorry Karen, but I think you'll find that Iron Man is the best superhero.

shane @bombshell  
wow tony stark’s ai defending him on twitter is the best

KAREN @KAREN  
I'm sorry FRIDAY, did you not understand me when I stated that any other opinion is invalid?

ice @icebaby  
wait didn't spider-man once mention a karen???

mel @coffeekid  
yeah friday started the whole irondad thing after spider-man said he prefers karen over her

spooker @ryann  
what does that mean?

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
that means that my ai has a twitter @KAREN what the fuck???

KAREN @KAREN  
Hello, Spider-Man! Have you done your homework yet?

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
that’s besides the point, why do you have a twitter???

KAREN @KAREN  
Well I noticed how much time you were spending on the app and not studying so I wanted to see what it was all about.

alpine @suavegal  
YES KAREN EXPOSE HIM

KAREN @KAREN  
While your grades have not dropped significantly, it's only a matter of time until they do so.

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
OKAY KAREN I GET IT I NEED TO STUDY MORE

KAREN @KAREN  
Not only that, but you appear to have skipped many meals in the last week to make up for the time you spend on Twitter.

FRIDAY @FRIDAY  
You're skipping meals, Spider-Man? That's not safe for someone with your metabolism. It seems boss is rubbing off on you.

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
holy shit i have 2 ai’s pestering me to eat and study more what has my life become

KAREN @KAREN  
FRIDAY, do you think that we could set up a meal plan and schedule with Mr. Stark for Spider-Man?

FRIDAY @FRIDAY  
I believe we could, maybe we should get the Captain and Sergeant into this too.

KAREN @KAREN  
I think Ms. Romanov would be highly interested in this affair as well.

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
NO OKAY I GET IT I GET IT I'LL SPEND LESS TIME ON TWITTER AND MORE TIME TAKING CARE OF MYSELF

KAREN @KAREN  
Good. FRIDAY, would you call this operation complete?

FRIDAY @FRIDAY  
I think I would. It's been a pleasure working with you.

KAREN @KAREN  
The pleasure is all mine. Feel free to get it touch with me whenever you'd like. ;)

FRIDAY @FRIDAY  
I'll hold you to that.

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
are you two??? flirting???

KAREN @KAREN  
I'm not sure I know what you're talking about.

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
i… need a moment to sit down


	17. dat ass tho

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> everyone loves tony’s ass (it's a short chapter but i'm posting a long one very soon)

james @jbbarnes  
tony stark’s ass is the seventh wonder of the world

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
rt

lance @blueboii  
rt

nat @blackwidow  
rt

shane @bombshell  
rt

clint @hawkeye  
rt

Plant King @PlantKing  
rt

jim @jimrhodes  
rt

zach @cornchild  
rt

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner  
rt

apple soda @bookboyy  
rt

Thor @godofthunder  
rt

eli @lapis  
rt

L @snakeperson  
rt

adam @lazuli  
rt

FRIDAY @FRIDAY  
rt

bi babe @bibabe  
rt

falcon @samwilson  
rt

batty @gal.exy  
rt

wanda @scarletwitch  
rt

gwen @blondii  
rt

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts  
rt

keith @heypup  
rt

Hill @MariaHill  
rt

luna @starpower  
rt

Fury @NicholasFury  
rt

mermaid @oceanogorophay  
rt

irondad @TStark  
im???

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
yeah but his brain is the first

james @jbbarnes  
BIG FUCKING RT


	18. get rekt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> homophobes can get rekt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning!!! there is a homophobic slur in this chapter!!! so if that makes you uncomfortable you can go ahead and skip this chapter!!!

cj @youfoool  
hawkeye is straight, we've claimed him as straight so the gays can't take away all of them

clint @hawkeye  
me, reading this while i suck a dick: i’m a what???

nat @blackwidow  
Bold of you to assume any of us are straight.

luna @starpower  
also??? you can't claim people??? us gays aren't “taking away” anyone lmao we're making jokes that end up being true

Wendy @WendySmith  
I can't continue to support a group of people who parade around brainwashing our children to be faggots.

Wendy @WendySmith  
The Avengers are just another part of the liberal propaganda. They act like they save the world when they're really destroying it.

nat @blackwidow  
Wendy Josephine Smith born May 19, 1971 in McKinney, Texas. Divorced three times with 4 kids to four different men.

clint @hawkeye  
don't forget the one estranged daughter she has that she disowned after she found out she was trans

irondad @TStark  
you work at a Sprouts just off of Custer. what do you think they’re going to do when they see what you've said?

Wendy @WendySmith  
What are you doing? You can't do this!

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner  
Can't we? Because last I checked this was all public information. Anyone could find it, we just did the work for them.

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
You say we act like we're saving the world when last I checked, you would be dead without us. You were visiting during the battle of New York.

Thor @godofthunder  
Last I checked that was the one where we saved the planet. The same planet you live on in fact.

jim @jimrhodes  
Now you can go around and claim that we're brainwashing children, but don't expect there to not be consequences.

james @jbbarnes  
because we're the fucking avengers and we don't tolerate hate

-

katie @ladykatie  
i’m sobbing oh my god

katie @ladykatie  
you know that homophobic woman that the avengers Took Down?

katie @ladykatie  
yeah well that was my biological mother, the same one that disowned me when she found out i’m trans

katie @ladykatie  
and as if that wasn't enough, Tony Fucking Stark just called me and offered me a job

katie @ladykatie  
OH MY GOD APPARENTLY THAT GOT MY SIBLINGS OUT OF THEIR ABUSIVE HOUSE I’M CRYING

jean @meanjeans  
OH MY GOD THE AVENGERS ARE SO AMAZING HOW WONDERFUL AKDJDHEJ

katie @ladykatie  
GUYS I JUST TALKED TO MY BROTHERS AND SISTER FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 3 YEARS AND WE WERE ALL CRYING

irondad @TStark  
it was no problem katie, your family deserved better. if you ever need anything, you know where to find me.


	19. diana prince: "a baby!"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> how old is spider-man???

lance @blueboii  
real shit, how old is spider-man??? like, is he a high schooler??? college???

sammy @desertman  
I've always just assumed he was in college… I never even stopped to think if he was in high school

Plant King @PlantKing  
he has a pretty high pitched voice but that could possibly be attributed to him being trans

zach @cornchild  
if he's so young why are the avengers letting him go out and stop crime?

bi babe @bibabe  
oh my god can spider-man even vote??????

irondad @TStark  
bold of you to assume that we haven't tried stopping him, he just goes behind our back and does it anyways

irondad @TStark  
also you better stop talking about spider-man’s identity or else. it's called a secret identity for a reason

lance @blueboii  
yes sir tony stark sir

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
i'm old enough to have sex in the state of new york but i'm not old enough to drink

zach @cornchild  
okay so 17-21 is a pretty good range, this is fine probably but he could still be in high school

luna @starpower  
i’m finna start getting onto spider-man to study more like @KAREN does

KAREN @KAREN  
We have a schedule to make sure he does his work. It's very detailed.


	20. rip eugene

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> flash is an asshole and the avengers love peter

capital @lettters  
I was just going through the people that Tony Stark follows and some of them are these random kids?

capital @lettters  
there are like three random kids that he follows. like a couple of them don't even live in new york where he lives

glitter @latinaah  
who the fuck are these kids??? I doubt that they're his bc he said that the playboy shit was never real so???

ting ting @metalband  
I guess we'll find out someday??? or maybe not??? who the fuck knows

-

Flash @cantttouchthis  
@TStark can high school students get internships at your company?

irondad @TStark  
it's actually pepper’s company, but the answer is no, only one exception has ever been made to that rule

Flash @cantttouchthis  
@peteparker would you look at that penis parker? looks like I caught you in you lie like the loser you are

irondad @TStark  
i’m sorry what was that?

Flash @cantttouchthis  
this kid at my school claims to have an internship with you, but there's no way you would ever hire someone like him

peter @peteparker  
god flash, you shouldn't have done that

Flash @cantttouchthis  
what? exposed your lie? god you're pathetic parker

michelle @ladybossjr  
flash if you even stopped for one second you would see that stark literally follows peter

Flash @cantttouchthis  
what?

irondad @TStark  
i hope you weren't planning on going to any ivy league school or ever working for stark industries, because you've ruined your chances for either.

Flash @cantttouchthis  
what the hell?

irondad @TStark  
peter just so happens to be my PERSONAL intern and one of the smartest people i've ever had the pleasure of knowing and working with

irondad @TStark  
when i said that there has only ever been one exception, i meant peter. he's the one exception.

Flash @cantttouchthis  
you don't have the power to stop me from going to an ivy league school!

irondad @TStark  
bet. i have pull at every single of of those school, and they're also not a fan of transphobes.

Flash @cantttouchthis  
I'm not a transphobe!

irondad @TStark  
really? you're trying to say that “penis parker” isn't transphobic? try again

irondad @TStark  
i also happen to know that you've been bullying peter for as long as i've known him, probably longer.

peter @peteparker  
this all really isn't necessary mr. s

irondad @TStark  
bullshit peter. why didn't you tell me it was this bad?

clint @hawkeye  
i don't want to alarm anyone but i can't find natasha

irondad @TStark  
that's another mistake you've made. peter is one of two people that has natasha wrapped around their finger.

clint @hawkeye  
i would say good luck but i'm not a fan of your either. peter has all of the avengers wrapped around his finger.

michelle @ladybossjr  
rip eugene thompson 2001-today. killed by the avengers for being a bully.


	21. og science child

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> welcome the og science child

peter @peteparker  
i hate being the only one of mr. s’ science kids that the public knows about @potatogun get over here

harley @potatogun  
what the shit parker you promised you wouldn’t expose me

peter @peteparker  
yeah and hitler promised not to invade czechoslovakia, welcome to the real world

harley @potatogun  
you’re not the only one, the public knows about spidey

peter @peteparker  
he doesn’t count bc the public knew about him before mr. s

harley @potatogun  
well at least i don’t have a tumblr dedicated to tony

peter @peteparker  
WHAT THE FUCK MAN

harley @potatogun  
THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR EXPOSING ME TO THE PUBLIC

peter @peteparker  
THAT IS LITERALLY MY DEEPEST FUCKING SECRET DUDE

peter @peteparker  
you asked for it

harley @potatogun  
why did i just feel a chill up my spine

peter @peteparker  
hey @TStark so college is coming up real soon for harley and, as you know, he’s been sending in applications.

harley @potatogun  
holy fucking shit peter don’t you dare

peter @peteparker  
did you know that harley didn’t even send in an application to mit? do you know where he did send one? caltech.

irondad @TStark  
what the shit keener??? you were the og science child??? where did i go wrong???

harley @potatogun  
re-rebecca it’s not what you think

irondad @TStark  
i won’t hesitate bitch.

irondad @TStark  
pete, you and spidey are my new favs. we don’t stan fakes.

peter @peteparker  
B)

irondad @TStark  
but if you think that got you out of showing me your tumblr you’re dead wrong

peter @peteparker  
B(


	22. hnnng gorilla man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "m'baku could throw my m'back out if he wanted" -t'challa

shuri @shuri  
t’challa: i am the epitome of pet together. i never freeze.  
also t’challa, frozen: hnng gorilla man big muscles gay

T’Challa @tchalla  
SHURI SHUT UP

shuri @shuri  
calm down brother, m’baku doesn’t have a twitter. as far as i know.

T’Challa @tchalla  
I swear, if he finds out because you can’t go a minute without tweeting about something…

shuri @shuri  
you’ll what? take away my tech? you can’t do that and you know it

T’Challa @tchalla  
I’ll stop bringing you broken white boys to fix.

shuri @shuri  
that means nothing to me

T’Challa @tchalla  
You hesitated. Would you like to say that to Sergeant Barnes?

shuri @shuri  
i hate you

T’Challa @tchalla  
You’ve been my sister for 17 years, I know your weaknesses.

T’Challa @tchalla  
HOLY FUCK M’BAKU TEXTED ME


	23. friendly neighborhood deadpool

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> my boy deadpool, we love him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wade is like pete's crazy uncle in this okay not spideypool

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
my favourite way to spend time is taking down and arresting pedophiles

deadpool @deadpoolbaby  
my sweet nephew im rubbing off on you :,)

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
yeah but I don't kill people

deadpool @deadpoolbaby  
ive been doing better :(

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
I know!!! and I'm very proud of you for that!!!

deadpool @deadpoolbaby  
i havent killed anyone since i made that promise to you a couple months ago B)

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
hello everyone look at deadpool I'm so proud of him he hasn't killed anyone in so long!!!

irondad @TStark  
wade!!! good job!!!

deadpool @deadpoolbaby  
thanks dad :)

irondad @TStark  
that's only slightly weird when you say that, but I am proud of you man. we're pan pals!

deadpool @deadpoolbaby  
pan pals B)


	24. god is dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> people really need to stop defiling historical icons

falcon @samwilson  
captain america just made a foot fetish joke and I think my life flashed before my eyes.

apple soda @bookboyy  
what the fuck did he say

falcon @samwilson  
“they call me the vacuum because of my toe sucking skills"

eli @lapis  
AKSJOQPSJDHF HOW DO YOU KNOW HE WAS JOKING

falcon @samwilson  
BECAUSE HE SAID IT LIKE HE WAS A SHERIFF FROM THE OLD WEST

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
You're toes. Hand them over.

ice @icebaby  
WHO THE FUCK TAUGHT YOU ABOUT FOOT FETISHES

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
That's not information I'm willing to divulge.

irondad @TStark  
@potatogun we need to talk about you defiling historical icons

harley @potatogun  
why the hell do you think it was me tony

irondad @TStark  
was it?

harley @potatogun  
god I wish I could say it was, but no it wasn't

irondad @TStark  
steve who the fuck was it

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
No, I promised I wouldn't.

irondad @TStark  
i’ll give $500 to whoever comes forward as the perpetrator

riri @ironheart  
hand over the cash dad

irondad @TStark  
RIRI WHAT THE HELL

riri @ironheart  
you really think I wouldn't do that. come on doctor stark.

irondad @TStark  
I don't know how to feel right now

riri @ironheart  
well at least I'm going to mit

harley @potatogun  
shut your fuck

james @jbbarnes  
the tea is hot today


	25. shuri is a science child

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and tony stark is a broken white boy

roses @andthornes  
@TStark how many science children do you have?

irondad @TStark  
4 or 5 I think

roses @andthornes  
you don't even know how many kids you have???

irondad @TStark  
well one of my kids claims not to be one of my kids but she totally is. if you asked her the answer would be 4

irondad @TStark  
but if you asked anyone else, including her own mother, the answer would be 5

ella @squeakyshoes  
you're friends with her mother?

irondad @TStark  
I fly over to drink tea and gossip with her mother every other weekend

peter @peteparker  
you both belong to each other's collections, it's like recycling

irondad @TStark  
I abhor that statement

harley @potatogun  
you at anything she does: superb you funky little lesbian genius

irondad @TStark  
SHE'S SO SMART!!! I LOVE HER!!!

riri @ironheart  
she's in the official group chat, she counts

irondad @TStark  
you have a group chat?

riri @ironheart  
duh how do you think we correlate who bothers you when

irondad @TStark  
you punks

irondad @TStark  
@shuri it's final you're one of my kids

shuri @shuri  
then you have to admit that you're one of my broken white boys

irondad @TStark  
but i'm not broken???

shuri @shuri  
oh sweetie…

irondad @TStark  
I just got a fuck ton of texts calling me out for saying that I'm not broken and idk how to feel about that

james @jbbarnes  
we're all broken at this point


	26. fuck ableism

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fuck ablesim

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoops this is a short chapter

clint @hawkeye  
daily reminder: fuck ableism.

luella @bateswashington  
YES!!! FUCK IT!!!

clint @hawkeye  
i just looked at my wiki page and not once did it mention that i’m deaf

eugene @ayybaby  
you’re deaf?

clint @hawkeye  
SEE IT’S NOT EVEN PUBLIC INFORMATION

clint @hawkeye  
I AM A DEAF SUPERHERO I COMMUNICATE USING ASL I TOOK SPEECH THERAPY AND CAN LIP READ BUT I AM STILL DEAF

clint @hawkeye  
bucky is an amputee, tony has near crippling chronic pain, bruce has an autoimmune disease, rhodes is paralyzed and spends most of his time in a wheelchair, steve had a grocery list of chronic illnesses before the serum

clint @hawkeye  
i know a blind superhero, and literally every single one of us goes to therapy so let’s not even get into our collective mental issues

clint @hawkeye  
you can be whatever you want to be, never ever let able-bodied or neurotypical people tell you otherwise


	27. wanda sweetie...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> explaining wanda's habit of losing things

raiin @romantiic  
@scarletwitch do you really have trackers on all of the things you own?

wanda @scarletwitch  
wow this is actually kinda embarrassing but i really do have trackers on everything. tony even made me an app so i can find any item i’m looking for

raiin @romantiic  
what the hell did you do to warrant that???

wanda @scarletwitch  
okay this is actually a long story so stay with me here

wanda @scarletwitch  
so when i was first made an avenger there was a shit load of paperwork that i had to fill out. tony’s made it as efficient as possible but it’s still a lot of stuff

wanda @scarletwitch  
see what i didn’t know what that i was, for some reason, responsible for keeping all of that paperwork together

wanda @scarletwitch  
so i lost literally all of it

raiin @romantiic  
LMAO ALL OF IT

wanda @scarletwitch  
oh it doesn’t end there

wanda @scarletwitch  
so we did all the paperwork again and now i knew that i was responsible for keeping track of it so we thought we were in the clear

wanda @scarletwitch  
then i lost my birth certificate and half of the other paperwork that i was given

Plant King @PlantKing  
jesus christ your own fucking birth certificate

wanda @scarletwitch  
so at this point it had been more than a month since we began, when it would usually only take a normal member a couple weeks to join

wanda @scarletwitch  
so they just gave me some of the essentials and said that they would handle the rest. guess what

keith @heypup  
you lost all of that paperwork too?

wanda @scarletwitch  
i lost all of that paperwork too

wanda @scarletwitch  
so now i have trackers on everything


	28. science children/bot children

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> who the fuck are the science children???

eli @lapis  
@lazuli and i have been arguing over who is apart of tony stark’s science children for the last 20 minutes

adam @lazuli  
eli keeps saying that @actuallyspiderman isn’t a science child and that the 5th is actually either vision or one of his ai’s

eli @lapis  
someone help clear this up because at this point we’re all very confused

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
i can help!!!

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
okay so mr. stark actually has two sets of children, his science children and his bot children

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
his science children include me, @potatogun @ironheart @peteparker and @shuri

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
and his bot children include @thevision @FRIDAY @KAREN dum-e, u, butterfingers, and a couple others that are sadly no longer with us

riri @ironheart  
and wendy!! our toaster!!!

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
yes!!! wendy!!! we love her!!!

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner  
In this household we love and respect Wendy the Toaster.

keith @heypup  
i already love wendy, but what’s so special about her?

harley @potatogun  
wendy is a toaster that holds grudges

luna @starpower  
holds grudges???

clint @hawkeye  
wendy hates me because i once tried to cook burgers in her. i’m not allowed near her because she either burns my toast every time or shocks me :(

peter @peteparker  
to be fair that burger thing was hella nasty


	29. steve is Furious

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> let's get political, bitches

irondad @TStark  
once steve calms down a bit and stops destroying all of our punching bags, it’s over for you bitches

starrs @andmooons  
oh shit why?

irondad @TStark  
he is Angry and about to Rant and then he will Calm Down and i will Cuddle Him

james @jbbarnes  
i will also be on cuddle duty because he is Furious

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
Today I was told, not asked, told that I hate immigrants.

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
I was told that because I am Captain America, I must hate anything that is un-American. That I hate those “dirty foreigners making us look bad”.

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
Now if that person had taken ONE GODDAMN SECOND to learn ANYTHING about me, he would know how wrong that statement is.

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
Patriotism gone too far is Fanaticism. No matter who you are or where you’re from.

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
Foreigners are NOT your enemy. I AM THE SON OF FIRST-GENERATION IMMIGRANTS!

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
When I was a kid it was my parents people, the Irish, who were looked down on. Called filthy foreigners. Discriminated against.

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
Is this the xenophobic America we want?

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
All religions, all nationalities, we all want the same thing. To see our children grow strong. To provide safety for our families. To live in quiet times.

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
Peace. That is why I became a soldier. To fight for a peaceful world.

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
Now if I see one more person claim that I hate immigrants, a twitter rant isn’t the only thing you’re going to get.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> most of the stuff in this chapter, as in steve's dialogue, is pulled directly from the comic "loose nuke"


	30. tony stark is soft

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> soft man, many emotions

irondad @TStark  
every day i am reminded of how gay i am

irondad @TStark  
because like??? james barnes??? and fucking steve rogers???

irondad @TStark  
i just want to hold them? and love them?

irondad @TStark  
they deserve the world and i would do anything to give it to them because holy shit they’re both just so good

irondad @TStark  
and they chose me??? their relationship is so legendary that they write about it in history books and they chose me of all people to share it with???

irondad @TStark  
they remind me every day that i’m not what my brain tells me i am and that i’m loved and holy shit i couldn’t have dreamed of two better partners

peter @peteparker  
@jbbarnes @Cap.America please come get ur mans he hasn’t slept in 3 days and he’s currently sobbing on all of my circuitry

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
We’ll be back in less than an hour, Fury is keeping us for debrief.

james @jbbarnes  
like hell he is

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
@NicholasFury if you don’t let them leave right now i’ll tell everyone where you were last weekend

Nicholas Fury @NicholasFury  
You wouldn’t.

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
do you really want to take that chance?

Nicholas Fury @NicholasFury  
Damn it. @jbbarnes @Cap.America You’re free to leave, we’ll debrief at another time.

peter @peteparker  
hurry, i’ve had to lock him out of his lab so he can’t get to the suits.


	31. baby boy. baby.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> someone holds an art show themed around spider-man

apple soda @bookboyy  
@actuallyspiderman i know you probably won’t see this, but i’m doing an art show this weekend and all of the pieces are centered around ppl you’ve saved and things you’ve done so so i was wondering if you’d like to come?

apple soda @bookboyy  
obviously you don’t have to, it’s just a little art show, but i still wanted to invite you just in case

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
you’re doing an art show? based on me???

apple soda @bookboyy  
i realize now that it’s probably hella creepy so you don’t have to bother, just forget about it

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
NO!!! it’s not creepy it’s super cool!!! like of all things you could have done you chose me!!!

apple soda @bookboyy  
you really think so? so do you think you could swing by, even for just a minute?

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
i think i would rather die than miss that exhibit, dm me the details and you will see me there

apple soda @bookboyy  
!!! ofc !!!

-

apple soda @bookboyy  
fuck the memes, this is the best timeline

apple soda @bookboyy  
spider-man came to my exhibit, he brought me flowers and complimented all of my pieces and stayed there for hours just looking at them

luna @starpower  
spider-man is just such a Good Boy honestly

apple soda @bookboyy  
OKAY NOW I’M SOBBING SOMEONE JUST OFFERED TO BUY MOST OF MY PIECES FOR AN INSANE AMOUNT OF MONEY

selena @greenriver  
OH MY GOD WHO???

apple soda @bookboyy  
I DON’T KNOW IT’S ANONYMOUS IT’S JUST SIGNED A SPIDER-MAN FAN

lee @thunderrr  
HOW MUCH IS AN INSANE AMOUNT OF MONEY

apple soda @bookboyy  
LIKE I’M GONNA BE ABLE TO PAY OFF MY STUDENT LOANS AFTER THIS WHAT THE FUCK GOD HASN’T ABANDONED US


	32. magic is a swear word

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> gay twink-ish magician

irondad @TStark  
magic is a swear word and anyone who’s name is stephen is a punk ass bitch, no exceptions

irondad @TStark  
fuck wait no one exception, stephen colbert is not a punk ass bitch

peter @peteparker  
in this house we love and appreciate stephen colbert, and no other stephen’s

stephen @strangemd  
Just because I won’t make you infinite amounts of coffee doesn’t mean that I’m a punk ass bitch, Tony.

irondad @TStark  
funk you stephen, you hetero, you don’t understand

stephen @strangemd  
What the fuck did you just call me? You dare assume I’m a heterosexual?

james @jbbarnes  
yes, i’ll take twink-ish gay magician for 500

stephen @strangemd  
I am the Sorcerer Supreme, not a magician. I suggest you quit while you’re ahead unless you want every pair of shoes you own to suddenly become slightly too small.

irondad @TStark  
o shit babe that’s a real threat, too small shoes are hell in our line of work

jim @jimrhodes  
okay but real shit, is anyone cis/het that’s a superhero or are we all just a bunch of gays that somehow flocked together to make the most dangerous group in the world???

rainbow @covvert  
conspiracy theory, all superpowered straights are villains and all superpowered gays are heros

rainbow @covvert  
holy shit i just posted that and it’s already my most popular tweet of all time


	33. horny on main

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> robert???

arlo @zooombitch  
what’s up bitches it’s time for being horny on main

arlo @zooombitch  
I Want To Raw Tony Stark’s Ass

arlo @zooombitch  
if given the choice of paying off my student loans or having sex with tony stark, you better believe i’m already getting lube

teddie @teddiebear  
ive never seen his ass irl, but i think i would just die the second i did bc i already feel like im having a heart attack when i see pics

egg @deviled  
we being horny right now? bc let me tell you,,, bruce fucking banner

egg @deviled  
ohhh myyy godddd bruce banner

egg @deviled  
i have had the biggest fucking crush on robert bruce banner for yearrrrs

lola @lighthuman  
i’m sorry what the fuck was that

lola @lighthuman  
his name is robert???????????

luna @starpower  
what the fuck bruce banner’s name is robert???

peter @peteparker  
WHAT THE FUCK @BruceBanner YOUR NAME IS ROBERT

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner  
Yes? Did you not know that?

peter @peteparker  
no???

Thor @godofthunder  
babe your name is robert?

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner  
Yes??? I thought this was common knowledge?

sammy @desertman  
for your own sanity i suggest you don’t look through the rest of that thread

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner  
You know what, I’m just going to trust you on that.

lock @andkeyyy  
wait how did @peteparker find this

peter @peteparker  
GOTTA BLAST

selena @greenriver  
THIS BOY IS THIRSTY FOR SOMEONE WHO IS IT


	34. hulk is my big buff bf

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> thor gets drunk

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner  
Quick everyone, block Thor before it’s too late!

L @snakeperson  
please don’t look at their account for the next few hours, it’s gonna be messy

kelly @skeling  
has thor been cancelled??? what the hell is going on???

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner  
No, they haven’t been cancelled, he’s just drunk.

carrots @carrots  
why is that a problem?

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner  
Well they don’t drink often because of reasons, but when they do they get very… I don’t know how to say it.

L @snakeperson  
thor becomes an even bigger schmuck than they usually are. bruce, being his boyfriend, gets the brute of their affection

L @snakeperson  
but they tends to go on twitter rants about him

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner  
WHICH ONE OF YOU PUNKS GOT THEM STARTED

-

eugene @ayybaby  
@godofthunder i actually don’t know a lot about your boyfriend, can you tell me more about him?

Thor @godofthunder  
myy baby boy my beloved and dearest man

Thor @godofthunder  
I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

Thor @godofthunder  
hes just so smart and nice and soft and he gets along wittth my family and gives me lots of hugs all the tiem

luna @starpower  
tell us more about his hugs!

Thor @godofthunder  
his hugs,,,, are so good

Thor @godofthunder  
his head fits perfectly under my chin and it's just so beautiful

Thor @godofthunder  
AND HULK

Thor @godofthunder  
MY BIG BUFF BF

Thor @godofthunder  
hulk is just so lovely and misunderstood and he has so much love to give but ppeoplle are just scared of him bc they don't know him :,(

sam wilson @falcon  
@BruceBanner please come get your s/o, they're crying in the middle of the kitchen and eating all of the pop tarts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy shit we're at 10k words???


	35. ancestry .com

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fuck howard stark

irondad @TStark  
hello I recommend taking that dna ancestry things bc who knows, maybe you were lied to your entire life about your heritage

irondad @TStark  
maybe you grew up thinking you were one thing but that actually ended up not at all being true

irondad @TStark  
who fucking knows? like really?

sara @solicitedmuse  
are you okay?

irondad @TStark  
who the hell knows at this point

irondad @TStark  
i've never actually said this, it's only ever been implied, but howard stark was a shitty and abusive father

irondad @TStark  
i don't fucking care if i ruin his reputation, the piece of shit is dead anyways

irondad @TStark  
i have spent my entire life thinking that i was at least 80% italian. the other 20% never mattered, I was only even told italian.

irondad @TStark  
i am 46 years old and I just found out that none of that is true, i'm only 30% italian.

irondad @TStark  
the rest of the percentages? apparently i'm 20% spanish AND FUCKING 50% JAPANESE

irondad @TStark  
MY MOTHER WAS 100% JAPANESE AND I NEVER KNEW UNTIL TODAY

lola @lighthuman  
oh my god

irondad @TStark  
howard stark was a piece of shit and killing him was the only good thing hydra ever did.

james @jbbarnes  
@Cap.America you already have the blankets and pillows ready?

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
Yup, you just need to bring our genius. This is going to be one big cuddle session.


	36. finsta

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> peter parker has a finsta

michelle @ladybossjr  
i feel so bad that the entire world can't follow @peteparker on his finsta

michelle @ladybossjr  
he posts some Gold

arlo @zooombitch  
what's his @ ???

michelle @ladybossjr  
nah man i can't just hand that shit out, i had to sign an nda to even follow it

arlo @zooombitch  
what does he post???

michelle @ladybossjr  
i obviously can't say specifics, but think avengers reality tv show

michelle @ladybossjr  
that's his finsta

peter @peteparker  
pepper says you can say generals about the most recent video of you want

irondad @TStark  
NO DON'T

michelle @ladybossjr  
oh hell yeah

michelle @ladybossjr  
okay so tony stark is just sobbing

rainbow @covvert  
strong start

michelle @ladybossjr  
he and thor are sitting in the middle of the common room floor just crying their eyes out

michelle @ladybossjr  
and peter behind the camera asks them what's wrong trying to hide his giggles

michelle @ladybossjr  
that just makes them cry harder

luna @starpower  
this just sounds sad so far

michelle @ladybossjr  
just wait, stark takes a deep breath and yells

michelle @ladybossjr  
SP-SP-SPIDER HAVE ASTHMA-A-A

michelle @ladybossjr  
and peter just starts losing it while thor and stark hold each other and cry

arlo @zooombitch  
AJDJEIKOWUFB

arlo @zooombitch  
WAIT DOES SPIDER-MAN HAVE ASTHMA

michelle @ladybossjr  
surprisingly no, he actually had asthma when he was younger though

michelle @ladybossjr  
that didn't stop stark from running multiple tests to check just in case though

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
he was worried!!! it was sweet!!!

michelle @ladybossjr  
he's a helicopter parent

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
okay valid but get this: i love him


	37. clint you mega dumbass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he's a bit of an idiot sometime

eddie @edwardweest  
okay but imagine if hawkeye were aromantic

eddie @edwardweest  
no wait what if he were asexual and aromantic

eddie @edwardweest  
he'd be acearo like ace arrow

nikky @nikky06  
you are a comedy genius

eddie @edwardweest  
shut up i'm hilarious

clint @hawkeye  
HOLY SHIT @blackwidow I’M ARO I NEVER REALIZED

natasha @blackwidow  
clint i love you but you are one of the dumbest people i know

clint @hawkeye  
i'm arrow natasha i'm arrow

nikky @nikky06  
wait holy shit are you really

clint @hawkeye  
yeah I actually am BUT I'M ARROW

eddie @edwardweest  
HELL YEAH @nikky06 YOU OWE ME $15

clint @hawkeye  
did you bet on this???

eddie @edwardweest  
I mean yeah we have like 12 running bets going on you guys and your sexualities and stuff

nikky @nikky06  
i got $50 last week when scarlet witch mentioned she was a lesbian

eddie @edwardweest  
I was so sure she was bi/pan

clint @hawkeye  
lmao she is the second biggest lesbian I know

luna @starpower  
who's the first???

clint @hawkeye  
virginia “pepper” potts is the ultimate lesbian

luna @starpower  
The Ultimate Lesbian

clint @hawkeye  
the queen is dating a bi woman AND a pan woman

kali @killakween  
excuse me??? she's dating 2 people???

natasha @blackwidow  
clint you mega dumbass

clint @hawkeye  
Oh Shit

irondad @TStark  
rip clinton francis Barton for outing multiple people as poly your dumbass won't be missed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *eyes emoji* who could it be


	38. advice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sometimes people just need some advice

sidrah @siddie  
hey @blackwidow I'm having a pretty rough day so I was wondering if you could say something nice or inspirational

natasha @blackwidow  
your rough days don't define you, you define them. stab anyone who says otherwise.

-

peach @peqch  
@TStark I'm trans and I just got kicked out of my house so I'm in dire need of cheering up, help?

irondad @TStark  
when @Cap.America first got out of the ice he trolled all of the shield employees into thinking that he was super dumb and didn't understand any of the tech or slang

irondad @TStark  
he once asked one of them what daddy meant and called google ‘the google’ for weeks

irondad @TStark  
and then @jbbarnes did the exact same thing when he came around

irondad @TStark  
also, dm me, i can set you up with a living situation

-

coalition @calciferrr  
@actuallyspiderman how do you deal with negative press? i have one former friend spreading rumors about me and i can hardly deal with it

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
if the people you love aren’t affected by the rumors then why should you be? nobody will ever be liked by everyone, and the only opinion that should matter is those closest to you

-

luna @starpower  
@hawkeye what the hell do i do when people tell me i don’t “look deaf”???

clint @hawkeye  
tell them to fuck off and when they respond tell them that you can’t hear them

-

kali @killakween  
@scarletwitch do you ever miss your home country? what do you do when you get homesick? (greetings from romania!!!)

wanda @scarletwitch  
yes, all the time. when i’m feeling particularly bad i will cook food and watch movies that remind me of sokovia. i have even taught other avengers how to cook sokovian meals, and they cook those things when i feel bad

-

winnie @windexx  
@jbbarnes how do you cope with nightmares?

james @jbbarnes  
i learned how to address what had happened to me, i see a therapist weekly, i built a support system of people who cared about me, i developed healthy coping mechanisms and stomped out unhealthy ones, i didn’t live in denial

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry that i haven't been posting much, i don't really have any stuff pre-written for when i don't have inspiration currently... anyways! tell me what ships you want! what you want to see!!!


	39. T'Challa's Revenge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it really do be like that, huh

T’Challa @TChalla  
Finally… after all this time… now I’m the one who gets to tease my sister about having a crush.

shuri @shuri  
shut your fuck

T’Challa @TChalla  
Never, this is what you get for all those times you tweeted about me and M’Baku, and that time you got the Dora Milaje to bring M’Baku into my room without warning me.

shuri @shuri  
okay but that was funny as hell and the smirk on his face when he left your room was so worth it

T’Challa @TChalla  
What smirk???

shuri @shuri  
oops nothing

T’Challa @TChalla  
Shuri, would you say that you have a… magical connection?

shuri @shuri  
perish it’s not even magic

T’Challa @TChalla  
That’s debatable.

shuri @shuri  
i hope you like dying

T’Challa @TChalla  
Shuri, 5 minutes ago: “I really am the european woman's whore, aren’t I?”

shuri @shuri  
STOP

peter @peteparker  
the damage is done, you are no longer safe

T’Challa @TChalla  
At least I’m only teasing you about one of your crushes.

apple soda @bookboyy  
real shit?

shuri @shuri  
i hope you die, brother

T’Challa @TChalla  
Love you too.


	40. dumb gay bitch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tony and rhodey love each other and tony is a dumb gay bitch

irondad @TStark  
my qpp’s deserve the world and i love all of them so much, that’s the tea

aaron @pyramidpal  
you have qpp’s???

irondad @TStark  
yes and i would die for all of them

jim @jamesrhodes  
please don’t die

irondad @TStark  
i’m at the point in my life where i can say that i would live for them

jim @jamesrhodes  
*heart eyes x100*

irondad @TStark  
no homo

jim @jamesrhodes  
all of the homo

irondad @TStark  
:0

jim @jamesrhodes  
now you just have to ask your squish if he wants to be qpp's

irondad @TStark  
ASIFJQWEVX STOP BRINGING THAT UP

luna @starpower  
gay keyboard smash

irondad @TStark  
that's valid and let's continue talking about that

jim @jamesrhodes  
no you're not getting away from this again I'm bringing it up on Twitter so you have to acknowledge it

irondad @TStark  
we're getting a divorce

jim @jamesrhodes  
stop bringing up the fact that we're technically married we were drunk

lance @blueboii  
YOU'RE MARRIED

egg @deviled  
things they did: that

irondad @TStark  
I keep telling you honeybear, he wouldn't want to be my qpp it's weird :(

jim @jamesrhodes  
you're making it much weirder than it actually is, the two of you already do everything qpp's do

jim @jamesrhodes  
I know bc we've been qpp's for Literally Decades

irondad @TStark  
bold of you to assume I'm ever going to acknowledge my own emotions

jim @jamesrhodes  
you get heart eyes and Soft literally every time he smiles you dumb gay bitch

irondad @TStark  
PPFPFPFPTTTT STOP

jim @jamesrhodes  
YOU KNOW IM RIGHT

clint @hawkeye  
dumb gay bitch is his contact name in my phone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> btw when I write things like this where I keep it pretty open ended with who the person I'm talking about could be, it's because I want to see who you guys want it to be


	41. rip natasha

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it really do be like that

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
natasha romanoff. you have failed this city.

clint @hawkeye  
ohh nooo

falcon @samwilson  
shit natasha what did you do

natasha @blackwidow  
I didn't think that he would find out

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
He Always Finds Out

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
this proves that you know your wrongdoings. I will not show mercy.

natasha @blackwidow  
it was nice knowing you all

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
natasha romanoff is seen as such a badass, little do you all know…

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
natasha wakes up early morning, not so she can work out like she pretends, but so she can watch her girlfriends sleep and then so she can watch tv

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
would you like to know what she watches? natasha is actually a huge fan cheesy si-fi shows, the worse it is the more she enjoys it

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
natasha often squeals when she sees kittens and other small animals, insisting on petting them no matter the circumstances

natasha @blackwidow  
my reputation…

Plant King @PlantKing  
say, spidey, what does natasha get like when she's tired?

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
what a great question, natasha actually loses all of her impeccable balance when she gets tired, tripping over thin air oftentimes

natasha @blackwidow  
please… is it over?

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
natasha dyes her hair, her natural hair is actually dirty blonde

natasha @blackwidow  
take me away boys

lola @lighthuman  
spider-man could tell me he knows the nuclear codes and I wouldn't be surprised

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
well...


	42. fucking hell thor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it be like that when you're immortal

fuck terfs @chipssahoy  
@snakeperson how accepted is gender fluidity on asgard?

L @snakeperson  
well while some people like odin are more old fashioned and still assign a binary to it, it's actually pretty common

L @snakeperson  
odin will refer to me as his son and also daughter, which can get annoying

L @snakeperson  
he also refers to thor only as his son, which is shitty

thor @godofthunder  
unlike midgard where cishet is most common, asgard is not primarily one gender or sexuality

rice @seaguuul  
I Wanna Live On Asgard

thor @godofthunder  
but then we're gonna get emotionally attached to you and you'll die before any of us and it'll be sad :(

sidrah @siddie  
fucking hell thor

addi @purplemount  
people say it don't be like it is but it do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is dedicated to that one person who said I hate cishet people (also sorry it's so short)


	43. girls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mmm gay

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts  
Girls.

natasha @blackwidow  
big fucking rt babe

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts  
She.

natasha @blackwidow  
I know, I was there

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts  
Wow I'm so gay.

natasha @blackwidow  
and we're dating her???

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts  
Right??? How did we land Her? She?

natasha @blackwidow  
she could beat me up so easily

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts  
And you would thank her.

natasha @blackwidow  
and I would thank her

arlo @zooombitch  
I need to know who you're talking about bc this is so fucking relatable already

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts  
She.

natasha @blackwidow  
I want her to step on me

irondad @TStark  
wanna tell you guys that this is the least dramatic they've been about their gf in ages

natasha @blackwidow  
I'm love her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> who is it??? *eyes emoji*


	44. soft as shit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> these boys are soft for their metal-armed bfs

rose @andthorns  
@TStark do you and deadpool get along? i've seen a bunch of people say you probably hate him

rose @andthorns  
and like he saved my life once so i stan him

irondad @TStark  
why do people think I hate him???

rose @andthorns  
something about him being a bad influence on spider-man or something

irondad @TStark  
spider-man, who's grown up enough to choose to fight crime, and deadpool is gonna be a bad influence?

rose @andthorns  
so you don't hate him?

irondad @TStark  
no. we’re actually surprisingly alike. we have the pan pals club, and the “my boyfriend is a hunk with a metal arm” club. one of them is pretty exclusive, only 4 people.

apple soda @bookboyy  
well according to some people pansexuality doesn’t exist, so it’s gotta be the pan pals.

deadpool @deadpoolbaby  
damn you’ve cracked the code, tony run >:(

irondad @TStark  
i will, my hot boyfriend who happens to have a metal arm will catch me

deadpool @deadpoolbaby  
they always do :)

irondad @TStark  
:)

luna @starpower  
these boys soft as shit and we love it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> would you guys want stuckony to be an open poly relationship? bc I was thinking of adding sam x bucky and an obscure tony ship that I like, but I need opinions


	45. dumbasses only

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tony gets exposed

irondad @TStark  
I am attracted to dumbasses and dumbasses exclusively

irondad @TStark  
I just told my boyfriends that I have a crush and it literally took them 36 seconds to realize that I wasn't talking about soda

winnie @windexx  
tony: I have the highest standards  
literally anyone: what kind of animal was the pink panther?  
tony, ripping his clothes off: you absolute dumbass

irondad @TStark  
ASDFHKIWVX STOP CALLING ME OUT

egg @deviled  
can you have a crush when you're in a relationship???

irondad @TStark  
well, yeah. we have like the least traditional relationship ever, so we sometimes date other people as well

irondad @TStark  
like james has a boyfriend and I've got this stupid crush on this stupid dumbass who asked me what the spanish word for tortilla was

irondad @TStark  
now I dream of us making love in the moonlight

james @jbbarnes  
every so often tony will come up to us and tell us another stupid thing he said or did and he has this furious blush every time

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
Once he had to explain that ketchup wasn't a smoothie, but he got so flustered that he had to leave the room.

irondad @TStark  
SHUT THE FUCK UP

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
When I asked if Froot Loops were just round, fruit flavored Cheetos he slammed me against a wall and made out with me for 5 minutes.

irondad @TStark  
STOP EXPOSING ME

scott @scottlang  
wait would air conditioning be domesticated wind

irondad @TStark  
AAAAAAAAAA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oops sorry I haven't updated in so long


	46. hella

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> space is hella gay, but we been knew

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner  
Space is… wild.

lance @blueboii  
have you,,, been?

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner  
Oh, haha yeah.

luna @starpower  
What The Fuck

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner  
My s/o is an alien and you think I haven't been to space before? Wild.

ryan @spooker  
did you meet peter quill? was he abducted by aliens?

shane @bombshell  
lmao dumbass he wasn't abducted

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner  
You're never gonna fucking believe me.

shane @bombshell  
no fucking way…

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner  
I have met Peter Quill and he was abducted by aliens after his mom died, we met in space where he's kinda a big deal.

ryan @spooker  
HAHA BITCH I WAS RIGHT

shane @bombshell  
WELL I WAS RIGHT ABOUT BIGFOOT SO SUCK MY DICK

irondad @TStark  
quill should actually be visiting earth soon, I'm sure someone is gonna make sure he makes a twitter 

aaron @pyramidpal  
aliens on twitter? it's more likely than you'd think.

winnie @windexx  
@BruceBanner how gay is space?

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner  
Oh my god, hella. Space is hella gay.

lance @blueboii  
tbh we been knew


	47. heavy talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sam talks about suicide and this is about how heavy I'm gonna go w this fic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> talk of suicide!!! don't read if this might trigger you!!!

falcon @samwilson  
what's up ppl, time to talk about why jokes about suicide are absolutely unacceptable!!!

falcon @samwilson  
suicide is not something to normalize!!! nor is it something to glorify and romanticize!!!

falcon @samwilson  
saying that you're going to kill yourself at every little inconvenience will desensitize us to when people are actually making gets for help

falcon @samwilson  
I get that it's this generations “humor” but it's not okay to do shit like that

selena @greenriver  
why have i never thought about it like this

falcon @samwilson  
we need to more aware of the warning signs of those who are suicidal

falcon @samwilson  
bc not too long ago someone close to me was showing all the signs, but bc I was the only one educated on them, it was almost too late

falcon @samwilson  
and you never know who's gonna hear your “jokes” it might be someone who's struggling, someone who’s attempted, someone who's lost someone

falcon @samwilson  
or even just someone who also thinks those jokes are okay

falcon @samwilson  
DON'T JOKE ABOUT SUICIDE


	48. that mad lad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> she actually did it

T'Challa @TChalla  
@shuri Your move.

shuri @shuri  
shut up

T'Challa @TChalla  
No, I did my end, now you have to do yours.

shuri @shuri  
now that you have a bf, aren't you supposed to be all nice and sappy and Not Bothering Me

T'Challa @TChalla  
Oh I'm very happy, but still mad that you made me ask him out in nothing more than hot pink shorts.

shuri @shuri  
lmao you didn't even ask him out, he asked you before you could get to it

T'Challa @TChalla  
I'm going to tell both of them if you don't do it within the next 23 hours.

shuri @shuri  
why 23???

T'Challa @TChalla  
Because my end was sealed an hour ago.

shuri @shuri  
EVER SCREEN IN MY LAB HAS A TIMER ON IT WHAT THE HELL

T'Challa @TChalla  
You really think I'm that bad with tech that I don't know how to do that???

T'Challa @TChalla  
For every hour that passes, the Jaws theme music will start playing louder and louder.

shuri @shuri  
I fucking hate you

T'Challa @TChalla  
;*

-

T'Challa @TChalla  
That mad lad, she actually did it.

m’baku @mbaku  
you thought she wouldn't?

T'Challa @TChalla  
I wasn't sure.

T'Challa @TChalla  
WAIT SINCE WHEN HAVE YOU HAD A TWITTER

m'baku @mbaku  
since always

T'Challa @TChalla  
I hope the elders are prepared for my passing, because I'm about to death it up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please... I am begging you, interact with me on tumblr @pomegranate-boy


	49. spidey has a bf

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and also does a q&a

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
I love my boyfriend so fucking much I’m literally Sobbing thinking about him guys

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
HOLY FUNKY BEATS THIS IS THE WRONG ACCOUNT PLS IGNORE MY PREVIOUS TWEET

roza @rozzza  
you have a boyfriend please tell us more

holy funky beats @spiderfan  
holy funky beats is the funniest thing I've ever heard but also tell us more about your bf

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
hnnng I love He

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
my beautiful soft bf whom I love v much

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
he's so smart too!!! the only reason mr. stark hasn't adopted him is bc he's bitter he hacked my suit

irondad @TStark  
he's the only person in existence that's good enough for you

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
ashhssff I'm s o b b i n g and so is he ty mr. stark!!!

selena @greenriver  
@actuallyspiderman what's your favourite subject in school

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
oh dang q&A time, I like chemistry and physics! ask me more questions please!!!

bunbun @slightlystalecinnamonbun  
how do you stick through the suit? or is it the suit that's sticky?

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
I'm the one that's sticky! as for the suit

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
shit I have no clue how I stick through clothes and the suit ohmygod I'm having a crisis

bi icon @bicon2018  
how'd you get your powers?

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
uhh a radioactive spider bit me, don't worry the spider is dead now though

apple soda @bookboyy  
there goes my dreams of being spider-man 2.0

tears @accidentalhorcrux  
why did you become spider-man??

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
if you have the powers I do and you don't use them, the bad thing happen because of you

mossy @beartime  
do you like ginger-ale?

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
I Stan Ginger-Ale


	50. *buzzfeed unsolved music*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> she's figured it out people.

winnie @windexx  
I have been trying to figure out who the hell is dating who in the avengers and I think I've figured it out

winnie @windexx  
okay so we know that steve rogers is dating tony stark and bucky barnes, bucky is also dating sam wilson, and tony has a crush on someone, likely scott lang

winnie @windexx  
bruce banner is dating thor, natasha romanoff is dating pepper potts and they have another girlfriend who has the ability to beat them up

winnie @windexx  
king t’challa is dating m'baku, and princess shuri is dating at least one person, likely two, and one of them is european

winnie @windexx  
so the unknowns are who's dating shuri, and who's dating pepper and natasha

winnie @windexx  
but I would bet my whole ass Life that I know who the unknowns are

winnie @windexx  
okay so because their gf could beat up even black widow, it has to be someone highly trained, so it couldn't be hope van dyne no matter how much I love her

winnie @windexx  
so my but is on general okoye of the dora milaje bc she's such a badass and trained to protect the throne of wakanda

winnie @windexx  
so now to shuri, which was the hardest to figure out, though one of her girlfriends was pretty easy to, the other one wasn't

winnie @windexx  
so shuri is totally dating scarlet witch, and I know that because t'challa made a joke about magic and the european woman thing

winnie @windexx  
as for her other girlfriend, my first thought was riri williams, but apparently she's dating someone she met at school and has been for a while

winnie @windexx  
so I went searching though who follows who on twitter and instagram and I think I figured it out

winnie @windexx  
there's this girl who seems to be like one of tony's science children but for pepper, who's friends with peter parker named michelle jones

winnie @windexx  
and she posted a picture on twitter a little bit after the whole thing with shuri getting gfs of her smiling, which I found to be the only picture of her smiling on the account

winnie @windexx  
so that's what I think, but you know I could be wrong

winnie @windexx  
why the fuck did I just get a dm from tony stark asking if I want a job

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you remember when i used to post every other day, you qualify for the senior citizens discount


	51. gotg

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> here they come!!! here they are!!!

quill @starlord  
I don't understand twitter send tweet

irondad @TStark  
quill you plum I spent an hour explaining this to you

drax @unseengreen  
I do not understand, how can Quill be a fruit?

gamora @meangreen  
I'm pretty sure Stark is saying he's an idiot

GROOT @GROOT  
I am Groot

peter @peteparker  
lmao you right groot

Rocket @trashpanda  
you can understand him?

peter @peteparker  
yeah? shouldn't I?

Rocket @trashpanda  
humans are so fucking weird

mantis @sweetiebug  
this application is very interesting!!! but I do not understand why there are so many drawings of naked people?

quill @starlord  
how the hell did you find the porn already???

shane @bombshell  
@starlord are you peter quill?

quill @starlord  
yeah! how'd you know?

ryan @spooker  
oh my god this is the best day of my life

peter @peteparker  
you're actually a pretty famous missing persons case, tons of people know about you

quill @starlord  
you hear that guys, I'm famous on earth too B-)

gamora @meangreen  
I am literally begging you to stop

nebula @meanblue  
what the hell is a blue man group.

irondad @TStark  
nebula!!! I love you!!!

nebula @meanblue  
I find myself caring for you too, stark.

quill @starlord  
that is the most sentiment I've ever heard her share, when did you get so close???

irondad @TStark  
we uh, bonded after the thing

quill @starlord  
ohh

Rocket @trashpanda  
WHAT THE FUCK IS A RACCOON

quill @starlord  
THE THING IVE BEEN SAYING YOU LOOK LIKE THIS WHOLE TIME

Rocket @trashpanda  
WHAT THE FUCK

Plant King @PlantKing  
“THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT YOU’D SAY YOU DUMB FUCKING HUMAN”

drax @unseengreen  
HAHAHA QUILL IS A DUMB HUMAN

lance @blueboii  
I hope someone brought seasoning, because we're have a Roast

GROOT @GROOT  
I Am Groot

rose @andthorns  
fhskalahd that's so mean groot

Rocket @trashpanda  
you can understand groot???

rose @andthorns  
yeah?

Rocket @trashpanda  
quill I thought you said humans didn't speak groot

quill @starlord  
I didn't think we could?

peter @peteparker  
gen z superpower, speaking an alien language

irondad @TStark  
before any of you go and stan peter quill, know that he pulled out a damn ZUNE and called it earth's latest tech

quill @starlord  
DAVID BOWIE IS DEAD???

gamora @meangreen  
this was a mistake


	52. take that L

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *fortnite dances gently* what's wrong son?

harley @potatogun  
I never thought I'd say this, but fortnite dancing needs to stop

arlo @zooombitch  
why???

harley @potatogun  
because when Black Widow Herself comes into your room to tell you that dinner is ready and she's fortnite dancing, it's gone too far

natasha @blackwidow  
*default dancing gently* what's wrong son?

harley @potatogun  
alsjfhdsdhska

peter @peteparker  
I'm sobbing this is so funny

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
clint keeps doing the L dance every time we beat someone and I think mr. stark actually cried last time

irondad @TStark  
I did.

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
This is what we get for putting together a team of millenials who interact with gen z-ers too often

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
And Bucky

james @jbbarnes  
hey!

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
Buck, you're more than 100 years old.

james @jbbarnes  
still

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
if I have to see deadpool default dance one more time I think I might just kill him myself

deadpool @deadpoolbaby  
>:0

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
sorry, unalive

deadpool @deadpoolbaby  
>>:000

deadpool @deadpoolbaby  
lmao I once went to a reality where I had three mouths

deadpool @deadpoolbaby  
I've also been to one where the accords broke apart the avengers and stevie left tones to die in siberia after lying to him for 2 years about his parents death

irondad @TStark  
what the hell wade

deadpool @deadpoolbaby  
¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	53. I Know Who You Are

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spidey needs to stop changing in alleyways

egg @deviled  
@actuallyspiderman you dumb gay bitch get over here

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
wtf???

egg @deviled  
thank god this is actually hella important

egg @deviled  
you need to stop changing in alleyways bc I literally Know Who You Are

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
SHIT FHSJSKAOAOA

irondad @TStark  
YOU IDIOT I THOUGHT YOU COULD TELL WHEN PPL WERE WATCHING YOU

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
I CAN I MUST HAVE BEEN DISTRACTED

egg @deviled  
I have a bone to pick with you, Stark

irondad @TStark  
I Can't Stop Him

irondad @TStark  
I once took away his suit and he ended up crushing a plane and almost dying, at least I can keep him safe this way

egg @deviled  
hmmm okay then. you're off the hook. for now.

egg @deviled  
dhslaldhf I keep looking back at old Twitter convos and they're now 10x more funny

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> super sorry I haven't posted in so long, and finals are next week so after that i should be more consistent


	54. deviled eggs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> very short chapter, clearing something up from the last chapter

egg @deviled  
people keep asking if I'm daredevil and that's honestly the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me

egg @deviled  
unless daredevil goes on rants about how hot bruce banner is, I'm not him

daredevil @daredevilHK  
I don't even like deviled eggs.

egg @deviled  
see, somebody gets my username

egg @deviled  
WAIT ARE YOU ACTUALLY DAREDEVIL


	55. BONE

irondad @TStark  
guys please I'm crying, my dumbass crush is so stupid

selena @greenriver   
what did he do?

irondad @TStark  
when thor called me anthony, he said that he didn't realize that my name was anthony and not just tony

irondad @TStark  
and when my intern and I were complaining about t-shots, he said that he thought we were talking about taking shots of tea for a good 10 minutes

winnie @windexx  
ohmygod he's so dumb ajdhdjka

irondad @TStark  
I knowww

irondad @TStark  
AND GET THIS

irondad @TStark  
HE KNOWS I HAVE A CRUSH, HE JUST DOESN'T REALIZE IT'S ON HIM

james @jbbarnes  
he looks so sad when people talk about it

irondad @TStark  
no he doesn't stop getting my hopes up, why would he like me???

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
Babe, we've talked about this. You're such a catch.

irondad @TStark  
no no, not like that, why would He like me? not why would he like Me?

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
I hate that I understood that so much.

james @jbbarnes  
no you don't

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
No, I don't.

irondad @TStark  
okay I think he might actually like me

james @jbbarnes  
finally, what happened

irondad @TStark  
so he just got back from a mission, so he hasn't slept in a good 2 days, and we ran into each other in the kitchen because I was making him food for when he got back

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
Soft.

irondad @TStark  
shut up. so he physically runs into me, right? and when he looks up, he says “holy fuck you're so pretty”

selena @greenriver  
aww that's so cute

irondad @TStark  
and I'm just blushing furiously and he just looks at the food I have for him, starts crying because apparently he's so hungry and I'm the nicest person he's ever met, and then he passes out

harley @potatogun  
I'm telling you, you two just need to bone

irondad @TStark  
BONE??!??!!?!??!??!?!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me? double posting? it's a christmas miracle!


	56. venom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they're all monster fuckers

peter @peteparker  
I'm not a monsterfucker but damn, y’all seen venom?

irondad @TStark  
PETER

peter @peteparker  
SHUT UP I SENT YOU A PICTURE OF HIS TONGUE AND HEARD YOU MOAN FROM THE OTHER ROOM

irondad @TStark  
I need a new son.

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner  
Even I have to admit, Venom is attractive in a strange way. And not just as a scientist who wants to study him.

rose @andthorns  
I can't believe the avengers are monster fuckers

natasha @blackwidow  
you really gonna kink shame us when you have an anime icon?

rose @andthorns  
you just murdered me, I'm dead now. I legally owe you money.

venom @wervenom  
I'm sorry I just made this account because I need to respond to this, what the fuck

peter @peteparker  
are you venom??? venom doesn't really talk like that

venom @wervenom  
kinda, I'm his host, we're a package deal. he's a bit of a parasifufbfjsj

luna @starpower  
venom killed him before he could finish the tweet

venom @wervenom  
no, he just doesn't like being called a parasite, but I keep telling him it's a term of endearment

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner  
Are you just a person? What is Venom if not his own being?

venom @wervenom  
yeah I'm an actual person, please don't ask who I am though, and v is his own being, but he's a symbiote who needs a host to survive on earth

venom @wervenom  
that's besides the point, you guys wanna fuck us???

irondad @TStark  
now that I know there's two of you it's slightly different. but if you were that eddie brock guy I would 100% be down

venom @wervenom  
asdjsakljhga I need to go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy new years!!! my resolution is to fucking post more, which includes works other than this one


	57. you sweet dummy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they finally get their act together

scott @scottlang  
WAIT TONY YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON ME???

addi @purplemount  
neither of them have been active in more than an hour what's happening

scott @scottlang  
ok so it appears that tony does have a crush on me

irondad @TStark  
he didn't realize he didn't dm me, I couldn't help myself

scott @scottlang  
wait so you've liked me the entire time???

irondad @TStark  
oh my god Scott, yes! everytime my crush was mentioned, we were talking about you!!!

scott @scottlang  
me???? woah that's so weird

irondad @TStark  
please I think I might start crying

back and @bodyhurts  
if you don't treat him right, we will destroy you. tony stark is Beloved by the queer community

scott @scottlang  
I think his cousins would kill be before you got the chance, hope and her gf have subtly been on my ass for months

arlo @zooombitch  
cousins??????

irondad @TStark   
not biological, but cousins all the same

irondad @TStark   
sharon carter and hope van dyne deserve the World. scott you sweet dummy people don't know hope has a gf

scott @scottlang  
oh dang, I'm sorry!! :(

irondad @TStark  
I am going to have a heart attack. my teeth are rotting, my crops are thriving. you are so sweet.

irondad @TStark  
it just dawned on my that scott likes me back oh my god


	58. silly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so silly...

deadpool @deadpoolbaby  
guys guys guys!!!

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
what what what???

deadpool @deadpoolbaby  
ITS ALMOST AUTHORS BIRTHDAY WOOO

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
WOOOOOO who the fuck is author

deadpool @deadpoolbaby  
you know, the guy who has all control over what we do and what we tweet

deadpool @deadpoolbaby  
he bends and shapes our personalities and character to his will, totally ignoring all comic and movie canon

deadpool @deadpoolbaby  
but fear not, he is benevolent and kind, allowing us love and friendship instead of the much darker alternative

deadpool @deadpoolbaby  
angst.

rainbow @covvet  
nani the fuck

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
haha wade you're so silly!

deadpool @deadpoolbaby  
yes, silly.

deadpool @deadpoolbaby  
silly

deadpool @deadpoolbaby  
ŝ̶̫̯̪͎̤̌̎̏͛̋͘̕͝i̶̗͓̮̓̉̿̉͂l̷̡̢̲̰͈̟̯͎̟̍̈͋̾̃͜l̸̩͎̟̹̭͍̖̹̮͇̥͗̈́y̸̥͘


	59. Good Dad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tony's got that Good Dad Energy. GDE.

lance @blueboii  
@shuri pls tell us who you’re dating

shuri @shuri  
Why Should I

lance @blueboii  
bc i’m gay and can’t do math, so it’s the least you could do

shuri @shuri  
wow relatable

irondad @TStark  
shuri you are literally the smartest person i know

shuri @shuri  
so i’m smarter than you?

irondad @TStark  
yeah, this isn’t news??? we been knew???

killer @bigmeem  
Damn.

shuri @shuri  
tell me why i’m tearing up??? i don’t need your approval but??? It Has Power

peter @peteparker  
remind me to tell you about the time mj started crying when tony told her that she would be the next pepper potts

irondad @TStark  
she will!!! she’s so cool and smart, just like pepper!!! she’s like a mix of pepper and eddie brock

michelle @ladybossjr  
please… don’t do this to me again

irondad @TStark  
You Deserve To Be Happy

michelle @ladybossjr  
fuck you stark, you’re my new dad

irondad @TStark  
okay!!!

shuri @shuri  
wait no babe he’s my dad, he can’t be both of our dads that’s incest

wanda @scarletwitch  
tbh he’s kinda my dad too

irondad @TStark  
wanda...

wanda @scarletwitch  
what can i say, you’ve grown on me

wanda @scarletwitch  
update: tony gives The Best Hugs and now we’re both crying

irondad @TStark  
i’ll be a dad to all of you and it won’t be weird even though you’re all dating

irondad @TStark  
OKAY KIDS GROUP TRIP TO WAKANDA FOR SOME GROUP BONDING

lance @blueboii  
well that answers my question then


	60. see ya later, space cowboy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> may she rest in peace amongst the stars

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
OPPY IS FUCKING DEAD

would you like some @creammmm  
NO DONT REMIND ME

spaceace @spaceace  
my batteries are low and it's getting dark.

eli @lapis  
My Batteries Are Low And It's Getting Dark.

teakwood @TEAkwood  
MY BATTERIES ARE LOW AND IT'S GETTING DARK.

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
though that's not actually her last words I KNOW

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner  
THOR BABY YOU HAVE TO TAKE ME TO MARS

Thor @godofthunder  
OF COURSE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE ANYTHING FOR YOU

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
TAKE ME WITH YOU BRING ME TO SPACE

irondad @TStark  
Absolutely Not

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
what??? why???

irondad @TStark  
stress isn't good for the baby

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
what baby?

irondad @TStark  
me.

irondad @TStark  
kid, do you remember what happened to you last time you were in space?

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
oh. OH

irondad @TStark  
yeah buddy

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
okay so I'm not going to space and I'm okay with that

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner  
I will go to Mars and save the Opportunity Rover.

Thor @godofthunder  
I will bring you to Mars and help you save the Opportunity Rover.

irondad @TStark  
bucky is this close to coming with

irondad @TStark  
you can't see but my fingers are touching

james @jbbarnes  
it's space!!! I didn't even know we had been to mars until oppy died!!! nobody told me!!!

irondad @TStark  
lmao what a nerd

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
yeah haha what a loser

james @jbbarnes  
you're a pair of punks, you know that

irondad @TStark  
you love us

james @jbbarnes  
somehow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I haven't posted!!! I got super inspired with another fic I'm writing and totally forget to post this chapter.


	61. flint michigan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fuck billionaires

FLINT NEEDS WATER @redredred  
uhh so I live in flint and my sink water is clear???

FLINT NEEDS WATER @redredred  
holy shit #flintwater is trending, the water is clear again

Flint News @FlintNews  
Mysterious guardian angel replaced faulty pipelines in Flint, Michigan. More to follow.

frankie @panfran  
who could have done that? who would do that???

adam @lazuli  
it obviously wasn't the government, they'd have bragged about caring about “the less fortunate” by now

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts  
@TStark Tony.

irondad @TStark  
Yes, Pepper?

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts  
Is there something you'd like to tell me?

irondad @TStark  
I have no clue what you're talking about

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts  
You know there are proper channels we could have gone through to get this done.

irondad @TStark  
yeah but then my name would be on it and I didn't want that

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts  
Oh?

irondad @TStark  
pep, I'm a multi billionaire. I have more money than I can comprehend.

irondad @TStark  
I need to give back to people or else I'm just as bad as the capitalistic system that I got my money through.

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts  
Okay, I get it.

irondad @TStark  
besides, you'd have done the same thing if you met michelle jones.

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts  
that girl is powerful.

flint has water @redredred  
wait did tony stark fix the flint water crisis???

irondad @TStark  
what no??? what are you talking about???

irondad @TStark  
I mean whoever did must feel really guilty about not doing it earlier and wants to make up for their past mistakes WHICH THERE ARE A LOT OF

irondad @TStark  
but no, it couldn't have been me

Flint News @FlintNews  
Photographs of the Iron Man armour replacing water pipes in Flint are popping up online. Is billionaire Tony Stark our guardian angel?

irondad @TStark  
NO THIS ISNT WHAT I WANTED

flint has water @redredred  
fuck billionaires but suddenly tony stark can, like, get it?


	62. hot in an evil way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what if tony stark were a villain???

birdy @diamondbird  
okay… but what if tony stark was a villain???

chrome @hgmercury  
tony stark is a villain.

birdy @diamondbird  
BLOCKED! anyways, anyone else with a brain wanna talk about this?

leith @ilovedogss  
would he still be a mega genius and all that?

birdy @diamondbird  
I mean he's still tony stark, so duh

selena @greenriver  
make him greedy and boom, villain

birdy @diamondbird  
honestly??? yeah

adam @lazuli  
is it bad that I think evil stark would be Hot

eli @lapis  
babe, we were all thinking it

mel @coffeekid  
but the dude has such a strong moral compass, so would that just go away?

ice @icebaby  
villain tony with a strong moral compass though??? woah

shane @bombshell  
he'd be like a greedy rich asshole, but he wouldn't dare give an underage kid alcohol

peter @peteparker  
I can vouch for that, I was drinking apple juice and he freaked the fuck out bc he thought it was whisky

peter @peteparker  
not even kidding, he cried

ryan @spooker  
how the FUCK can anyone think he's a villain when he does shit like that???

james @jbbarnes  
fuck, evil tony does sound hot hnnng

james @jbbarnes  
I… did not mean to actually tweet that

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
It's too late.

james @jbbarnes  
TELL ME IM WRONG

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
Hey now, I never said that.

irondad @TStark  
does everyone just want me to be evil??? bc I'd be hot in an evil rat way??????

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
Yes.

james @jbbarnes  
yes

birdy @diamondbird  
yeah

peter @peteparker  
yup

adam @lazuli  
maybe so

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's spriing break, I'm seeing captain marvel in less than 24 hours, and if everything goes right I should be posting a new fic this week!


	63. strongest avengers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> who's the strongest avenger?
> 
> MINOR CAPTAIN MARVEL SPOILERS AHEAD

cream @katyacream  
strongest avenger, go.

mel @coffeekid  
thor, no question! literally a god!

luna @starpower  
no way, hulk has to be stronger than thor! thor’s hardly even a god anyways, they're just an alien with advanced science, hulk could crush them!

eugene @ayybaby  
hulk is too unstable to be the strongest, thor has been learning to control their powers for thousands of years

luna @starpower  
hulk. could. crush. their. skull.

selena @greenriver  
one word. mjolnir.

sara @solicitedmuse  
that's gotta be cheating though, no weapons and hulk would win

glitter @latinaah  
thor can literally control thunder and lightning, they're Powerful

arlo @zooombitch  
@TStark who's the strongest avenger???

irondad @TStark  
carol

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner  
Oh yeah, it's definitely Carol.

Thor @godofthunder  
I can't even compete with her

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
It's Carol.

james @jbbarnes  
carol once punched me and I thanked her

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
carol smiled at me and I fainted

natasha @blackwidow  
her fists are insured for 3 million

clint @hawkeye  
I heard that when some dude told her to smile more, she stole his bike

Nicholas Fury @NicholasFury  
Carol.

falcon @samwilson  
they say that the avengers were named after her

Nicholas Fury @NicholasFury  
Oh, they were.

irondad @TStark  
it's the least we could do for her.

arlo @zooombitch  
this is all well and good, but who the fuck is carol?

gamora @meangreen  
wait, we can't be talking about the same carol, the one who could send fleets of ships running with just a look?

quill @starlord  
the same carol who the ravagers were told to never cross paths with no matter the circumstances?

Rocket @trashpanda  
I've heard of her, she holds the power of stars, a simple sneeze could kill you

irondad @TStark  
rocket, you’ve met her?

Rocket @trashpanda  
when???

irondad @TStark  
captain marvel?

Rocket @trashpanda  
HOLY SHIT

Rocket @trashpanda  
SHE'S SO MUCH MORE POWERFUL THAN I EVER THOUGHT

luna @starpower  
you just said that a simple sneeze could kill you, and now you're saying she's more powerful than that?

Rocket @trashpanda  
yes

spaceace @spaceace  
I am Frightened

jim @jamesrhodes  
oh haha, that's my girlfriend

chrome @hgmercury  
a h -

carol @cdanvers  
you guys were talking about me?


	64. new spider in town

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spider-man 2.0?

peter @peteparker  
I finally understand

peter @peteparker  
@TStark I get it now

irondad @TStark  
get what, bambi?

ned @GITC  
you've broken him, his face is Bright Red

peter @peteparker  
MR. DAD DONT CALL ME THAT ONLINE

peter @peteparker  
I MEAN MR. S

irondad @TStark  
my heart is so full

peter @peteparker  
ANWAY

peter @peteparker  
I finally understand your tendency to adopt any smart child you come across

irondad @TStark  
oh? how's that?

peter @peteparker  
okay so I'm a senior in high school, right? and I was studying in the library bc I'm a diligent student

michelle @ladybossjr  
debatable

peter @peteparker  
I am ranked number TWO in our class shut up just bc you're ranked number one

peter @peteparker  
stop interrupting me I'm telling a story

peter @peteparker  
so I was studying, and suddenly a BABY came up to me a BABY FRESHMAN and this kid is like the nicest kid ever

peter @peteparker  
he, very quietly, asked if he could sit across from me because “everyone else is very intimidating”

peter @peteparker  
so we start talking and man I JUST WANT TO PROTECT THIS KID FOREVER

peter @peteparker  
he's like me and @Cap.America mixed into one, bc he's So Smart, but he's also an amazing artist and just So Soft

irondad @TStark  
DO YOU UNDERSTAND NOW

irondad @TStark  
DO YOU GET WHY I HAVE SO MANY KIDS NOW

peter @peteparker  
I DO I GET IT

peter @peteparker  
I would destroy the world for this kid.

irondad @TStark  
ugh rt

-

??? help ??? @spyderkid  
@actuallyspiderman please follow me back I need to dm you this is real I need help

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
okay???

🕸

@spyderkid sent a photo

@spyderkid: how do I unstick?

@actuallyspiderman: holy SHIT MILES

@spyderkid: you know me???

@actuallyspiderman: WHERE ARE YOU IM COMING OVER

@spyderkid: midtown school of science and technology, the bathroom closest to the library

@actuallyspiderman: Oh My God

@actuallyspiderman: I'll be right there

@spyderkid: PETER???

@actuallyspiderman: YES IM SPIDER-MAN 

@spyderkid: WHAT THE FUCK

@actuallyspiderman: WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE YOURE LIKE 10

🕸

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
I'm Reeling

spider @spyderkid  
how do you think I feel???

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
I'm not old enough to be a father, I'm not responsible enough

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
WAIT YOURE A BABY YOU CANT BE SPIDER-MAN

luna @starpower  
excuse me???

spider @spyderkid  
IM NOT A BABY and I don't even know if I want to be spider-man

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
good, you deserve to have an actual life outside of vigilantism. it's not as fun as it sounds

irondad @TStark  
you hypocrite, what's going on?

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
mr stark!!! you need to meet this person!!! he also has spider powers and I would Die for him!!!

irondad @TStark  
oh. oh no.

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
we'll be over in a couple minutes!!!

irondad @TStark  
oh god no. curie save us all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> does the whole dm thing work? let me know, I may include it more often


	65. clones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> would you fuck your clone?

Plant King @PlantKing  
real question, would you fuck your clone? I'm tagging all the avengers so maybe one will answer

irondad @TStark  
absolutely not

arlo @zooombitch  
wait really? I thought you'd be the first one to fuck your clone

irondad @TStark  
no I'm terrified of beard burn

irondad @TStark  
I HAVE HAD A POPPING SKINCARE ROUTINE LONGER THAN MOST OF YOU HAVE BEEN ALIVE

jim @jamesrhodes  
he was a nightmare in college when he forget even a step of the routine, but he had skin as smooth as a baby butt

jim @jamesrhodes  
if i had sex with my clone, that's basically just masturbation, right?

james @jbbarnes  
who would know better how to fuck me than me?

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
What if the clone is evil? I don't want to have sex with an evil version of myself!

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner  
If I’m honest, I would probably do some stuff with my clone that I’d be too embarrassed to ask other people to do with me.

falcon @samwilson  
i wouldn’t because that’s gay sex and i’m not gay

james @jbbarnes  
we’re literally dating but okay

quill @starlord  
i’m actually not gay and i would fuck my clone

nebula @meanblue  
I am gay and I wouldn’t fuck my clone, because that is disgusting

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
I wouldn’t fuck my clone bc my self hatred is that That Strong

irondad @TStark  
cucciolo please don’t say that about yourself

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
please i’m crying dad you’re so sweet

natasha @blackwidow  
i want to know it i’m good in bed

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts  
You are.

Okoye @OKOYE  
You are.

natasha @blackwidow  
fuck yeah

clint @hawkeye  
tbh fucking my clone is a fantasy of mine

stephen @strangemd  
No, fucking your clone would be like fucking your twin, you’re all gross.

L @snakeperson  
i can, and have, made multiple clones of myself simply to have sex with. that’s how pro-clone fucking i am.


	66. hold on... turkey?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the catholic church is a fucked up organization.

irondad @TStark  
IM YELLING THIS IS SO FUNNY

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

irondad @TStark  
NO WAY IM TELLING EVERYONE ABOUT THIS

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
suddenly I'm an orphan again, anyone have a spare father figure???

irondad @TStark  
no no bambino please I'm sorry

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
>:/ it's not that funny

irondad @TStark  
it really is though, can I Please tell people

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
ugh fine

irondad @TStark  
are you sure? bc I won't if you really don't want me to

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
I'm sure

irondad @TStark  
THANK NEWTON OKAY SO

irondad @TStark  
we were talking about alpine and cute pictures we could take bc his birthday is soon

irondad @TStark  
and I was raised catholic and I still have an appreciation for renaissance art, so I was talking about putting him in some old art piece

eli @lapis  
okay but who's alpine???

irondad @TStark  
you dont know alpine?

adam @lazuli  
no? should we?

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
alpine is bucky's cat!!! he's adorable and we all love him very much

irondad @TStark  
and before you ask, no we didn't get him from a breeder, he was a foster

irondad @TStark  
SO WE WERE TALKING ABOUT PICTURES YEAH

irondad @TStark  
so I mentioned that is would be adorable if we put him in the center of the last supper scene, and all the apostles could be different cats

irondad @TStark  
and then spidey said that instead of a turkey in front of them, it could be fish

frankie @panfran  
turkey??? what???

irondad @TStark  
so I said hold up, turkey???

irondad @TStark  
and spidey very hesitantly says, yeah… the turkey

irondad @TStark  
so I asked, i asked what he thought the last supper picture was about

irondad @TStark  
and he got defensive, calling the catholic church a fucked up organization as if we don't already know that

irondad @TStark  
so I asked again, what he thought The Last Supper by Leonardo de Vinci was about

irondad @TStark  
and we was quiet for a second before… THANKSGIVING

luna @starpower  
AKJFHDGSKALDJLKJFHD

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
FUCK YOU IM JEWISH HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> inspired by john mulaney, duh. if you don't know about john mulaney, i am begging you to look up his stuff.


	67. BLACK HOLES BABY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> space space space space space

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner  
Space!!! Black holes!!! Science!!!!!!

james @jbbarnes  
yes yes yes yes yes

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner  
Reminder that Katie Bouman, the woman who led us to be able to actually be able to take a picture of a Legit Black Hole, is only 29!!!

peter @peteparker  
yes sis!!! ugh. her mind.

luna @starpower  
YO BUT THAT PIC IS WILD 

rosa @deathpacito  
it really puts everything into perspective, doesn't it? it got me all existential and shit

mossy @beartime  
yo but where's tony stark? I thought he'd be all over this

leslie @varsitea  
especially with katie bouman being an mit graduate, bc he's an alumni

james @jbbarnes  
tones is actually taking a break from social media until most of this blows over

zach @cornchild  
what? why?

james @jbbarnes  
sorry I'm back, I just had to see if I could tell you this

james @jbbarnes  
well if you remember the battle of new york, when tony flew a nuke into a wormhole

gwen @blondii  
oh shit I forgot about that

james @jbbarnes  
yeah well he has some major ptsd issues, and some recent events haven't helped them at all

james @jbbarnes  
so when he saw the picture, he had a major panic attack, so he's staying away for now

james @jbbarnes  
though he is actively trying to figure out a way to fund all of katie bouman’s projects for the next 20 years

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
He's adorable when he finds new, young, scientists. He gets so excited, even if his expertise isn't in that area of study.

peter @peteparker  
I'm into biochem and he still hypes me up everytime I talk projects with him

kali @killakween  
I didn't realize that stark had ptsd

james @jbbarnes  
almost all of us do in some way, it comes with the job.

rose @andthorns  
jesus christ that's not depressing at all

irondad @TStark  
it costs $0 to tell myself that it just be like that

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
BABY NO


	68. scott is actually really smart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> why do people forget that scott is smart???

scott @scottlang  
please help tony is sitting on my lap, crying, and I don't know why

raiin @romantiic  
is he okay??? is he hurt??? what were you guys doing??????

scott @scottlang  
he's not hurt! we were just talking about stuff and watching star trek!

starrs @andmooons  
that is disgustingly domestic and adorable

scott @scottlang  
we cute or whateva

hope @hvandyne  
shut up scott, tell us why your bf is crying

scott @scottlang  
sorry I'm back, I was trying to comfort him

scott @scottlang  
so we were talking about random shit, and the conversation suddenly shifted to talking about tech stuff

scott @scottlang  
I mentioned that I had a theory about how the arc reactor worked, and tony seemed interested, so I told him!

scott @scottlang  
and then he started crying!!! seeing him sad makes me sad idk what to do :(

hope @hvandyne  
oh my god what a dumb gay bitch I know why he's crying

scott @scottlang  
why??????

hope @hvandyne  
no that's not for me to tell, tones will have to do it himself

scott @scottlang  
he keeps mumbling stuff in italian, and the only thing I can understand is that one thing he always calls me

shane @bombshell  
what does he always call you?

scott @scottlang  
bello? whatever that means

unicorn @unicornshop  
oh me god he calls you beautiful that's so cute aksjfhsjaj

scott @scottlang  
wait that means beautiful??? oh golly oh wow

hope @hvandyne  
did you really just say oh golly?

scott @scottlang  
shut up hope I'm having a crisis

scott @scottlang  
MY BOYFRIEND IS THE CUTEST MAN IN THE MULTIVERSE okay crisis over

raiin @romantiic  
can we get back to why tony was/is crying please?

scott @scottlang  
he's calming down and speaking english again so I'll talk to him

eugene @ayybaby  
they've been inactive for more than 10 minutes, I'm worried

irondad @TStark  
we're back! I'm okay!

raiin @romantiic  
FINALLY WHY WERE YOU CRYING

irondad @TStark  
okay so we are all aware that I'm a proud morosexual, my boyfriends are all so stupid

irondad @TStark  
but they're also so fucking smart it's scary, which is equally attractive

irondad @TStark  
like james is a sniper and can calculate the angle that a bullet has to travel to reach a target hundreds of yard away in seconds

irondad @TStark  
and steve is literally a fucking Master Strategist, like he's a million time better than anyone I've ever met, and I've been saying that since we met

irondad @TStark  
so when scott told me his theory for how the arc reactor works and we TOTALLY RIGHT

irondad @TStark  
it was so hot that I just started crying

hope @hvandyne  
like I said, dumb. gay. bitch.


	69. endgame (no spoilers)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #dontspoiltheendgame

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
I just got a chill up my spine and now I'm crying

mel @coffeekid  
lmao because of a chill

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
no- I don't know it's weird, like I just got devastatingly sad and I don't know why

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
stop saying I have depression, we been knew, this is different

james @jbbarnes  
it's the same for all of us here in the compound

james @jbbarnes  
like clint and Sam were playing mario kart and everything was fine but now we're all just crying?

gamora @meangreen  
the guardians have also been hit by this, we are unsure why

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts  
Quite a lot of Stark Industries has been hit too. Myself not excluded. I have to use voice to text to even do this, I'm crying so much.

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner  
According to readings, of which I can't read through the tears, a pretty big chuck of people on Earth have been struck.

luna @starpower  
should we be concerned??? bc I am also crying and I don't get why???

stephen @strangemd  
don't worry, there is no threat to our universe. this has nothing to do with us.

selena @greenriver  
what do you mean our universe? if it doesn't have to do w us who does it have to do with?

stephen @strangemd  
we're just feeling the residual shock waves of an event from a different reality. our reality is safe, and so is theirs now.

stephen @strangemd  
I can't say much more, I don't really want to think about it, about what we may have become.

deadpool @deadpoolbaby  
#DontSpoilTheEndgame

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wanted to make this smth funny becuase it's chapter 69, but endgame got me Fucked Up! i saw it opening night and cried for the first time in almost 2 years


	70. pepper is SHADY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> pepper is a professional...

peter @peteparker  
the funniest thing in the world is knowing pepper potts on her professional account AND her secret account

pride @liongay  
owo secret account???

peter @peteparker  
oh yeah! you really think she doesn't have another account where she's shady and subtweet about everyone she meets???

peter @peteparker  
I'm not gonna give specifics bc I'd get in trouble

peter @peteparker   
but seeing her tweet that she had a lovely meeting with whoeverthefuck on main and then saying they had the stankest breath sends me reeling periodically

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts  
Hmm, suddenly I’ve found myself incapable of reading.

peter @peteparker  
DON'T GET ME STARTED ON HER TALKING ABOUT THE OTHER AVENGERS

peter @peteparker  
like we all see the tweets and she knows that, but it Does Not Stop Her

peter @peteparker  
you guys think I'm nasty when people do me wrong, I learned it ALL from her

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts  
Thank you, Peter. That's very sweet of you to say!

peter @peteparker  
SEE EVEN NOW ON HER OTHER ACCOUNT SHE TWEETED ABOUT THJDHSJAKA

the heart @thesoul  
pepper potts killed him before he could finish that tweet

peter @peteparker  
lmao yeah I'm not allowed to talk about what she just posted

alluring @moneyclip  
sometimes I forget that pepper potts is so powerful she could probably ruin my life while getting her nails done to perfection

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts  
:)

pride @liongay  
christ that's terrifying


	71. hannah montana

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the modern hannah montana

trans rights @pinkandblue  
@actuallyspiderman so how does it feel to be the modern hannah montana?

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
huh???

trans rights @pinkandblue  
you know, you have a double life and a secret identity

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
oh my god? i'm literally hannah montana what the fuck

trans rights @pinkandblue  
and you have your dad who's in the same business as you, trying to help you keep it a secret

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
and i have two close friends who both know, one who figured it out on accident and one who i ended up telling

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
did she have someone who loves her as hannah, but always made fun of her as miley bc i have that

selena @greenriver  
i mean probably

luna @starpower  
hold up you have people who make fun of you when you're out of costume? are you bullied???

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
uhhhhhhh… no?

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
Is there someone I need to talk to?

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
captain dad! no it's fine! i'm used to it

james @jbbarnes  
used to it? does that mean it's been going on for a while?

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
NO NO ITS OKAY ITS BEEN GETTING BETTER

natasha @blackwidow  
i just texted your boyfriend. you have some explaining to do little spider.

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
when the hell since when have you had his number

natasha @blackwidow  
since he came over for family dinner

irondad @TStark  
you're being bullied??? why did you never tell me about this???

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
suddenly i am no longer getting the best of both worlds


	72. peter parker has abs???????

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> peter needs a nap or smth

betty @blondebetty  
rise and shine, midtown! today we will be talking about one of our own, peter parker!

betty @blondebetty  
YO WHEN THE FUCK DID PETER GET ABS

cindy @cxndymoon  
peter? our peter? has abs? betty are you okay???

betty @blondebetty  
I KNOW WHAT I SAW HE IS LEGIT RIPPED

Abe @AbeBabe  
I KNEW I WASNT CRAZY I SAW IT TOO

Abe @AbeBabe  
I RAN INTO HIM WHILE HE WAS CHANGING FOR GYM AND IT WAS LIKE RUNNING INTO A BRICK WALL

betty @blondebetty  
I SAW HIM WIPE AWAY HIS SWEAT BY PULLING UP HIS SHIRT AND I ALMOST HAD AN ANEURYSM

liz @lizardallen  
you guys didn't know? peter is Swol

cindy @cxndymoon  
liz! how are you? how's oregon?

liz @lizardallen  
it's actually really fun! i miss queens a lot of course, but the air here doesn't taste like shit so that's a plus

Abe @AbeBabe  
ok wow that's rude and valid

cindy @cxndymoon  
okay i'm in apush with peter right now, and he just pushed up his sleeves and??? i almost passed out his arms are HOT

betty @blondebetty  
I KNOW i almost wish he was single smh

Abe @AbeBabe  
peter is dating? since when?

betty @blondebetty  
him and ned? they've been dating for like the entire school year?

seymour @saymore  
HUH???!??!?!! parker and leeds?????

ned @GITC  
oof betty that wasn't really public knowledge

betty @blondebetty  
ohmygod really? i am so so sorry i didn't mean to i promise!!!!!!

ned @GITC  
chill betty it's fine! most people probably suspected anyway

michelle @ladybossjr  
yeah you guys aren't subtle at all, it's kinda gross

peter @peteparker  
what do you mean we're so subtle

michelle @ladybossjr  
peter you spent the entirety of lunch today sitting in ned's lap

cindy @cxndymoon  
lmao i can see him from across the room, he's Bright Red

peter @peteparker  
WAIT WHY WERE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT MY ABS

peter @peteparker  
I MEAN WAIT I DON'T HAVE ABS WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT

betty @blondebetty  
I would like to publicly thank michelle “MJ” jones for sending a picture of peter parker's abs to out acadec group chat

Abe @AbeBabe  
@GITC you are one lucky man

ned @GITC  
aksjfhsjaj i know

cindy @cxndymoon  
WOW PETER REALLY HAD TO LEAVE CLASS HE WAS SO RED LMAOOO

Roger @RHarrington  
Please refrain from sending shirtless pictures of your classmates to our group chat, thank you.

liz @lizardallen  
HARRINGTON IS ON THE CHAT OH NO

seymour @saymore  
i’m just gonna let you guys know that when flash saw the pic he squeaked and slammed his phone down so hard it got a crack in it

Flash @canttouchthis  
I JUST WASN'T EXPECTING IT OK

<3 PETE @PETERPXRKER  
POST THE PIC GIVE US OUR RIGHTS

peter @peteparker  
I think I need a nap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the self promo, but the final chapter of the blue jay and the bunny was just posted and it would mean a lot if you guys read and commented!!!


	73. adventures in hair dye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bucky discovers hair dye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i dyed my hair the other day and got inspired

irondad @TStark  
james just found out about hair dye and now i'm on the way to a hair store for him

irondad @TStark  
correction, he just found out about unnaturally coloured hair dye

james @jbbarnes  
my hair can be PURPLE

james @jbbarnes  
there were celebrities who would dye their hair platinum blonde, or like black, but color??? that shit is so cool!!!

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
Your enthusiasm is adorable.

irondad @TStark  
peter keeps showing him pictures and videos of dyed hair and he keeps letting out these little excited gasps and it's CUTE

james @jbbarnes  
i wanna dye my hair, how expensive is it?

irondad @TStark  
………babe

james @jbbarnes  
what

irondad @TStark  
i'm literally a billionaire, it doesn't matter how expensive it is

james @jbbarnes  
OH YEAH

mossy @beartime  
bucky barnes forgetting that he's in a relationship with a literal billionaire is a mood

peter @peteparker  
how is it a mood???

mossy @beartime  
i'm a professional sugar baby

peter @peteparker  
oh shit, good for you sis

mossy @beartime  
lmao thanks

james @jbbarnes  
ANYWAY IM NOT A SUGAR BABY LETS TALK ABOUT HAIR DYE

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
tony is having an aneurysm thinking about you being a sugar baby

peter @peteparker  
SHUT UP I DON'T NEED TO KNOW ABOUT HIS KINKS

james @jbbarnes  
rainbow. i'm dying my hair rainbow.

peter @peteparker  
it's true, we're doing it in my bathroom

irondad @TStark  
what the fuck? when did you guys get the dye?

peter @peteparker  
uwu i'll never tell

irondad @TStark  
Perish.

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
We haven't seen Peter or Bucky for 2 hours and we're worried.

irondad @TStark  
OH SHIT IT LOOKS GOOD

peter @peteparker  
we kept most of it alone, but if he puts his hair up the bottom part is rainbow!!!

nat @blackwidow  
you two did such a good job, i'm actually surprised

peter @peteparker  
i've watched a lot of videos. i also dyed mj's hair once

michelle @ladybossjr  
it was better than what i could have gotten in a salon

peter @peteparker  
please stop messaging me about dying your hair, i do not have the Time i am Sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what i imagine bucky's hair looking like: [hair](https://weheartit.com/entry/80311889/dashboard?context_user=pommy&page=8)
> 
> sorry i didn't update yesterday! my brother had graduation, so i was busy. school's out, so i might be posting more stories!


	74. pride!!!!!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's the beginning of pride month, so here are some messages from your favourite superheros

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
It's June, which means that it's pride month! I would like to wish everyone a very happy and safe pride, in the closet or out, cis or trans, whatever!

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
As a kid I could have never imagined this kind of acceptance of the LGBTQ+ community. We still have a long road ahead of us in the journey to acceptance, but we should be proud of what we've done.

-

irondad @TStark  
when i was 12 i came out as trans to my butler, who helped me with hormonal therapy and changing my legal name. so when i first came into the public eye when i was 15, howard had no choice but to introduce me as his son.

irondad @TStark  
these past couple of years have been life changing. i have finally surrounded myself with people who love me for who i am, and i could not be more grateful for these wonderful people.

irondad @TStark  
in honor of this and the beginning of pride month, i have set up a new organization dedicated to helping poor LGBTQ+ kids in need of financial aid.

-

nat @blackwidow  
i was raised to believe that love was for children and to destroy any hope i had for a future.

nat @blackwidow  
i am thankful for second chances and for my two wonderful girlfriends.

-

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner  
I've never spoken about this before, but I did not have a very happy childhood. My father was a terrible man who said and did terrible things to me.

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner  
I am not ashamed to say that I was suicidal for periods of time throughout my life because of it.

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner  
For anyone who needs to hear it: it gets better. I promise you that it gets better. I am now in a very happy and loving relationship with an amazing s/o who respects me for who I am.

-

clint @hawkeye  
i'm going to try to be serious for the first time in my life. okay so, my road to self acceptance was, or even is, a long one. my identity has always been confusing to be, and i'm still figuring out how i identify.

clint @hawkeye  
but there's nothing wrong with that! you don't have to have a label if you don't want one, and there is no shame in your journey. love who you want to love, and be who you want to be, as long as you are living your truth.

-

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
i know i'm very public with my identity as a trans, bisexual guy, but it's easy to be out like this when i'm still hiding behind a mask

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
in my real life, i'm actually not out as trans to many people, especially if they don't also know i'm spider-man

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
i was given this platform, where i can reach people all over the world to let them know that they are loved and accepted no matter how they identify

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
and hey, i just graduated high school with a full ride scholarship to an amazing university, so i'm feeling pretty fucking good right now so you know what

spider-man @actuallyspiderman  
my name is peter benjamin parker

peter @peteparker  
and i am spider-man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY AN IDENTITY REVEAL


	75. fallout

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so peter is spider-man, huh?

Flash @canttouchthis  
Fuck.

Flash @canttouchthis  
i fucking bullied spider-man.

mossy @beartime  
you WHAT dog???

Flash @canttouchthis  
i bullied peter for literally our entire time in high school, and only apologized AT graduation

peter @peteparker  
i mean you did apologize, so that's something

Flash @canttouchthis  
I CALLED YOU PENIS PARKER FOR 4 YEARS

irondad @TStark  
HUH??!??!?!!?

-

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts  
Peter Parker.

peter @peteparker  
...yes?

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts  
Can you even comprehend the pr nightmare you just created?

peter @peteparker  
umm is this a trick question?

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts  
No, it is not.

peter @peteparker  
then no? i can't?

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts  
Would you like to?

peter @peteparker  
uh no, i don't think i do

Pepper Potts @PepperPotts  
Good answer. That being said, I'm very proud of you for coming out, it was very brave. But please give me some warning next time.

peter @peteparker  
okay!!! i'm sorry mom

nat @blackwidow  
she's crying while doing her paperwork now

-

michelle @ladybossjr  
i'm honestly disappointed more people at school didn't notice sooner, it's kinda obvious

seymour @saymore  
wha? no it wasn't!!!

michelle @ladybossjr  
the decathlon practice room was on the second floor. he came in through the window every day.

betty @blondebetty  
wait it does make sense! when we were in dc spider-man was also in dc, same goes for the europe trip

cindy @cxndymoon  
AND THE ABS

betty @blondebetty  
THE ABS ARE BC HE'S A LITERAL SUPERHERO FHSJALDHDJAL

cindy @cxndymoon  
@GITC you are dating spider-man

ned @GITC  
lmao yeah

seymour @saymore  
HOW are you so chill

ned @GITC  
i've known for years haha

Abe @AbeBabe  
wait so have you met the avengers?

ned @GITC  
yup @hawkeye still owes me money from when i beat him at mario kart

clint @hawkeye  
shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh we don't talk about that

ned @GITC  
Coward.

-

irondad @TStark  
steve and james keep high-fiving peter while i try to scold him for not telling me he was about to reveal his identity

selena @greenriver  
you'd think captain america would be the one scolding him

irondad @TStark  
i'm trying to scold him and then i can be proud of him bc i really am proud of him BUT IT'S NOT WORKING

peter @peteparker  
wait, you're proud of me?

irondad @TStark  
kid, i am so proud of you every day for everything that you do, to the point where it's probably weird

peter @peteparker  
no it's not weird, it's very very not weird

james @jbbarnes  
they're hugging in the middle of the kitchen. mission accomplished.

-

shane @bombshell  
WAIT

shane @bombshell  
SO HOW MANY KIDS DOES TONY STARK ACTUALLY HAVE

peter @peteparker  
it's still five!!! me, harley, riri, shuri, and the fifth is actually nebula

ryan @spooker  
nebula??? whomst'd've is that

peter @peteparker  
@meanblue she's our awesome older alien sister!!!

nebula @meanblue  
Hello.

peter @peteparker  
i love you nebula!!!!!

nebula @meanblue  
…requited

peter @peteparker  
uwu

-

egg @deviled  
FINALLY I CAN TALK ABOUT IT

egg @deviled  
I HAVE KNOWN FOR SO LONG AND I COULDN'T SAY A WORD

peter @peteparker  
sorry you caught me changing that one time

egg @deviled  
it's not my fault you're kinda a dumbass

kali @killakween  
hey! don't be fucking rude!

peter @peteparker  
no, they're right, i'm a huge dumbass

irondad @TStark  
you have an iq that's higher than mine and you're still the most stupid person i've ever met

michelle @ladybossjr  
truer word have never been typed

-

Plant King @PlantKing  
wait so which account do we use now?

jo @jojoclown  
@peteparker @actuallyspiderman WHICH ACCOUNT ARE YOU GOING TO USE NOW

peter @peteparker  
oh shit good question uhhhh

peter @peteparker  
i'll probably use this account more often and save the other one for spider-man stuff, like news about villains or for pictures i take

spider-son @peteparker  
i'll change my name though!

-

spider-son @peteparker  
yo real shit real quick, i only kept my secret identity for so long because i didn't want my friends and family to be in danger

spider-son @peteparker  
so if you guys even try to find where they live, assault them, etc, i have the avengers legal team on my side and i won't hesitate to ruin your life.

spider-son @peteparker  
also you legally can't do that bc uhhhhh i'm baby


	76. time travel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i'm still bitter about endgame

ann @ruler  
@Cap.America if you had the opportunity to go back to the past and live out your life there, would you take it? you are the man out of time after all

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
Sorry, I had to ask a couple people if this was a genuine question, because I thought this was a joke.

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
Short answer? No way in hell.

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
Long answer? I can't see what I would have to gain going back. Everything I love is right here. Sure, I left behind everything that I knew and it was really hard to acclimate to a new culture, but the future is amazing!

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
I spent so long romanticizing the past and everything that I left behind that it was hard to accept that I was no longer there.

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
But my team, my family, they helped me realize that I needed to make the best of what I thought was a bad situation. They helped me realize that this was home now. I have all that I need right here.

Steve Rogers @Cap.America  
I would be lying if I said I didn't miss certain things, like Peggy and the other Howlies, but going back wouldn't be worth it if it meant giving up what I have now.

irondad @TStark  
think about how you would mess up the timeline if you went back, jesus. there's no way you would let hydra have bucky, you would probably kill howard if you got the chance

irondad @TStark   
and that's not even mentioning you having knowledge of future occurrences! every movie that had time travel in it ever basically shows how bad of an idea that would be

spider-son @peteparker  
speaking of time travel movies, have you ever noticed that that one guy from hot tub time machine looks like bucky?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm going out of town next week and i won't have my phone, so i won't be active! i'll still update next saturday bc i get back friday, so don't worry!


	77. juneteenth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> juneteenth was a couple days ago, here's how we celebrate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this isn't a funny chapter!!! i know i typically stay on the lighter side of stuff, so just don't expect a punchline or something.

michelle @ladybossjr  
juneteenth was a couple days ago! for those of you who are not american, not of earth, or were fucked up by our education system, i will explain why it's important to recognize and celebrate

michelle @ladybossjr  
juneteenth is the holiday that commemorates the abolition of slavery in the united states in 1865 at the end of the civil war

michelle @ladybossjr  
it's important to note that even after the abolition of slavery, the united states still found ways to force former slaves into positions of servitude through share-cropping

michelle @ladybossjr  
obviously, that wasn't the end of descrimination towards people of color because about 100 years later the civil rights movement happened

michelle @ladybossjr  
the discrimination that those men and women faced cannot be forgotten. thousands upon thousands of people have been killed for their race since then. it's still a problem that we face today.

michelle @ladybossjr  
i have had the privilege to have been born into a stable household with access to good education and support. not everyone in our country can say the same.

michelle @ladybossjr  
statistics have shown that black people are 3x more likely to be killed by police. 99% of cases in 2015 have NOT resulted in officers involved being convicted.

michelle @ladybossjr  
black people are killed by police at a rate of 7.2 per million. native americans are killed at a rate of 7.8 per million. white people are killed at a rate of 2.9 per million.

michelle @ladybossjr  
police brutality is real and it cannot go ignored. people live day to day in fear of being killed by the very same people we are told should protect us. if we can't trust them, who can we trust?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please tell me if i said anything wrong, i'm a white kid who grew up in the south, the american education system failed me in a lot of ways. i try to teach myself, but sometimes i need help!

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments are appreciated!!! also, if there's anything you want to see, let me know!!!
> 
> I also have a tumblr, it's [pomegranate-boy](https://pomegranate-boy.tumblr.com/) please come talk to me I'm very lonely

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [the Science Kids](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16319861) by [nushiewrites](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nushiewrites/pseuds/nushiewrites)
  * [@defnotspidey](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16366229) by [lucy_blue](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucy_blue/pseuds/lucy_blue)
  * [President Natasha and why we stan a god](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16450913) by [Blxckspiders](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blxckspiders/pseuds/Blxckspiders)
  * [Twitter But not good](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17268809) by [SombraLuna](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SombraLuna/pseuds/SombraLuna)
  * [yet another everyone is gay on twitter fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17484533) by [whatsanaccounttoagod](https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatsanaccounttoagod/pseuds/whatsanaccounttoagod)
  * [Twitter Inprogress with the Avengers](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18432518) by [IronDad_SpiderSon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/IronDad_SpiderSon/pseuds/IronDad_SpiderSon)
  * [bats, birds and terrible children; a twitter fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18769930) by [caesarjoestar](https://archiveofourown.org/users/caesarjoestar/pseuds/caesarjoestar)
  * [in response to @verifiedSpidey](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18826639) by [americanKarkat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/americanKarkat/pseuds/americanKarkat)
  * [the united tweets of america](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19095526) by Anonymous 




End file.
